You go to a bar. You swipe right on Tinder. You match on OkCupid! You meet someone at a party. You meet a friend of a friend who thinks you’re cute. There are endless possibilities as to how something sparks between two people. You have that initial interest, but then what do you do with it?

Side note - I’m generalizing the man and woman role for what they are stereotyped as and my personal experiences, but the described feelings and titles get distributed to any and all people no matter their gender or sexual orientation.

We spend countless hours analyzing text messages, conversations, social media activity, and minor interactions just to gauge this other person’s interest. In this millennial era, a lot of us feel that even if you’re interested, you can’t act too interested or you’ll come across as “crazy,” or too “intense." And God forbid, if you ever tell someone, notoriously a guy, that you’re looking for a relationship, you typically get them running for their lives in the other direction. Unfortunately, at times, they may string you along with half-assed texts, drunken hook-ups, and the occasional interaction that we hold onto with a minor shred of hope that the person we’re interested in is actually interested in us back. And we accept their pitiful attempts as something more than what it really is. Eventually, we learn our lesson. But it’s often a bumpy and painful road.

Relationships are a tricky thing to define and they are even trickier to navigate. Everyone is different, every relationship is different, and therefore our approach to them is as well. But at the end of the day, relationships, human contact, love, and support are something that we all need and something that we all crave. Even down to our biology. When you like someone, you typically feel consumed by it. You’re giddy, you’re smiling, and all you want to do is talk to this person. Their touch can make you feel awake in a way that you haven’t been in a long time. Well, there’s a reason for this. Our brain releases oxytocin, a happy/tingly feeling, when you’re interested in someone. It plays a role in intimacy, reproduction, and social bonding. It’s the same principle for sex. It’s carnal, instinct, in our most basic nature.

When stated like that, it seems pretty simple. But as we all know, relationships are much more complex than that. If there wasn’t much to it, we wouldn't have countless literary works, movies, articles, experiments, art, music, poetry, from the beginning of time on the subject, detailing our triumphs and turmoils with significant others. Relationships are relevant to all of us because they aren't limited to romantic ones. Our relationships include friends, family, and most importantly, ourselves. But, I and many of my friends, peers, coworkers, and even our generation have noticed a certain stigma that comes with the desire for a romantic relationship. This is specifically a common perception associated with women, but the same can be argued for anyone.

We often feel that we can't outright say we want a relationship, and we have to be "cool" and just down to “have a good time” and keep it “casual." Supposedly, this oozes a sense of confidence of not needing another person. And we all are drawn to confidence. But that isn’t necessarily the case when you look inside.

Commonly, women take sexual interest, and try to twist it into the potential to be romantic, too. But these are two very different types of interest, especially depending on the people involved. Notoriously, men are primarily interested in sex. They are known to have many flings, hook-ups, and can drop you at the drop of a hat. Women are notorious for getting emotionally attached. And when this attachment is expressed, they are told that they are “overthinking." Deep down, we may know that this other person isn’t showing us the interest we would like. Then we become worried, we ask questions, and get suspicious leading to the infamous label of “crazy."

A friend showed me a great section from an article in the Washington Post by Harris O’Malley. It is as follows:

“Women hear it all the time from men. “You’re overreacting,” we tell them. “Don’t worry about it so much, you’re over-thinking it.” “Don’t be so sensitive.” “Don’t be crazy.” It’s a form of gaslighting — telling women that their feelings are just wrong, that they don’t have the right to feel the way that they do. Minimizing somebody else’s feelings is a way of controlling them. If they no longer trust their own feelings and instincts, they come to rely on someone else to tell them how they’re supposed to feel.”

Women are made to feel like their feelings are unimportant or should be diminished because they don't have proper judgement due to their emotions. They are told being emotional and expressing it is a minor form of insanity that should be overlooked. Relationships, then, aren’t a sign of commitment and partnership, but “neediness” and a long-term sentence to turmoil.

But relationships can be a wonderful thing, when it’s with the right person. A romantic relationship shouldn’t be something you “need." It should be something both persons actively choose. You have someone to share yourself with in a deeply personal way. Relationships are amazing. You are with someone who enjoys you, who you enjoy, sharing life experiences and being by each other’s side as two whole people. Unfortunately, we abuse our relationships and often don’t show them the time, care, and respect they deserve. Often, we come to a relationship as broken people expecting to be fixed or have the holes in our egos filled. This is destined to fail and in turn gives relationships their troublesome stigma. No one else can fix you, only you can do that. If we’re lucky, we find someone who is a great influence and helps us to be our best along the way.

At the end of the day, many people want to be emotionally committed because truly there is no better sex and no better feeling than when you are with someone you love. Casual hook-ups become a meaningless blur. But ultimately, the most important thing is that you are making choices that make you happy and fulfilled as your own person. If you’re in a place where you don’t want a committed relationship and you want to openly play the field, that’s okay. But don’t let fear of expressing emotions and being vulnerable (something many people will go to great lengths to avoid) stop you from sharing something truly special and unique with another person. And if you’re looking for something more than casual hook-ups and minimal interaction, own that, and don’t settle for anything less. Just be aware, the person you have your sights set on might not be in the same place. And that’s perfectly okay too. You may just need to move on. To quote How I Met Your Mother, “If you have chemistry you only need one other thing – timing, but timing's a bitch.”

Trying to force someone into a relationship more often than not backfires, especially if they are not ready at that point in time. Relationships are a powerful choice. And for a healthy one, it should be a choice eagerly and happily made by both parties. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is reluctant to choose you?

Don’t ever feel ashamed to want a relationship. It’s embedded deep down into who we are as human beings. Own your wants, build yourself, and find people who you want to share yourself with. I think that’s the secret to our happiness.