I can be the first tell you how extremely difficult it is to watch someone lie, deceive and break you, then walk away as if it was nothing to them. As if the pain they have caused you was no big deal. I can also be the first to tell you that with enough dishonesty and broken trust you start to build a wall. A wall that is built because your heart was shattered one too many times by letting the same person back in, thinking they may have changed. You were used and mistreated. You’ve completely forgotten how to trust others with your heart.
You begin to self-destruct into this phase in which no one is allowed in.
No one is allowed to get to know you, because if no one is allowed into your heart, no one can break it again, right? You’ve become the girl that people know, but they don’t really know. The girl that likes to sing in the shower, but no one quite knows the type of music you listen to. The girl that loves extra cheese on her pizza, but no one is allowed to know where you order from. What my point is, is that there is a certain mystery about you that no one can quite figure out. People see what you want them to see. But as far as getting to know you? They haven’t gotten the chance.
Keeping your guard up is the safe route, don’t get me wrong. It’s a sure-fire way to make sure the heart you spent months repairing stays intact. You were damaged once before and you never want to feel that type of pain again. But you will find yourself missing the opportunity to meet and maybe find love again when you keep your guard up.
So this is me, a girl who formerly had her guard all the way up, telling you to let your guard back down. You are not doing yourself any favors by not letting a single soul back into your heart. The person that has done you wrong in the past is in the past. You can't erase the memories and scars they have left you with but you sure as hell can grow from them. You now know what you deserve. And if you don't know what you deserve, you simply deserve better.
You deserve to be cherished for the way you snort whenever you laugh too hard.
You deserve to believe that someone could make you smile as much as any animal video you come across on Facebook.
You deserve to let someone pick at your brain and be mesmerized by how you read a book at night before you go to bed.
Most importantly, you deserve to be loved.
So, be vulnerable. Be afraid that something bad could happen. That’s life. No one gets a free pass on heartbreak and disappointment. Everyone will get knocked down, but it’s up to you if you get back up and grow in your strength and faith. And it's OK to worry that you will get hurt again. But what's not OK is letting the past eat at you like a cancer—letting the pain determine your fate. The pain you once felt from the bruises left on your heart will always be there. Those bruises, however, should give you the strength to show that they have not defeated you and they have not defined you.
You define your own strength.
I’m telling you that finding someone that wipes away all the fears you once thought you had is the biggest blessing. You are beautiful—whoever you are reading this—and you deserve love and trust. The past is in the past and once you learn to separate the past and the future you’ll be able to let others back in. This isn’t me telling you that you have to let your guard down, because that’s not my place. This is me telling you that if you find someone who makes your fears and insecurities seem as inadequate as the asshole that broke your heart before did, knock the wall down. This is me telling you that being truly and honestly loved is one of the most incredible feelings we as human beings get to experience and you should not deny yourself that. Do not deny yourself the privilege of letting someone adore you as much as your cat does. And please stop using the past as an excuse to be so afraid of the future. Everything heals. Your heart will heal after heartbreak, your mind will heal after being mistreated and your happiness will heal after sadness. Bad times will not last forever.
So do yourself a favor and knock down that wall.
Don’t rush it. Take it day by day, brick by brick. But I’m telling you once you reach the bottom of your wall and you learn to love again hopefully you’ll think back to this article. You’ll think back to when you sat in your room, or out in the park reading an online article written by a random girl from a small town in Upstate New York that pushed you to unstick those bricks and let others back in. The article that let you love again. And if you get that far I'm sure you'll be happy you listened.