I was shocked at this accusation of "being self-centered," because I’ve worked hard to maintain a nonjudgmental and accepting mindset, and I try to be there for other people as much as I can. I pride myself in being a supportive friend, someone who is always willing to listen and love. So, being self-centered was a stretch for me -- almost appalling. The more I thought about myself as "being self-centered" though, the more I accepted it. We’ve all heard that your 20s are your selfish, self-indulgent years and I am in complete agreement with that; this does not have to be a negative attribute.
My experience of being 20 years old thus far has actually been quite self-centered, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m focusing on loving myself and being comfortable with who I am. Honestly, in doing this I have distanced myself from a lot of people, mostly people who only add negativity to my life or bring me down. It’s okay to cut people out of your life who don’t need to be there, sometimes even if that means hurting them. It’s so important to do what’s right for you and make decisions that ultimately make you happy. That’s selfish, but I like to think that’s okay.
Lately -- as in the last year of my life -- I’ve mostly focused on the aspects of my own life that I want to change. Again, that means keeping to myself a lot. I’ve been dealing with a lot of internal issues, so I’ve been emotionally distant. After a while of pushing away the people that I loved most, I realized that wasn’t healthy for me and I’m so happy I’ve finally let them in. Although some may view that as selfish, it is not selfish to keep a small circle and only let few people in. So for those who accuse you of being self-centered, maybe they should ask themselves if they cared enough about you to allow you to, or make you feel comfortable with opening up to them. I can guarantee you the people I’m closest with and have opened up to, do not think of me as self-centered, rather simply going through some changes.
It’s a huge part of being 20 years old. It’s about this time in our lives where we lose ourselves a little, and have a hard time figuring out where we’re going. So we internalize that for a while, open up to a few people, and then have to go through a period of seriously dealing with what’s going on inside. Even though this means distancing yourself socially, and not being honest or open with everyone around you, it does not make you self-centered. You open up to whoever the hell you want. You open up to those who make you feel comfortable, able and validated. You open up to the people who show they care about you and admire you for being a freaking mess and love you anyway.
So to those who know who I really am and understand what I’m going through, I really want to thank you for being there for me and accepting me. For those who don’t understand me right now, I don’t want you to be afraid to approach me and ask me about things. But don’t expect me to just spill my story to you because I feel like it. Chances are I probably won’t unless I feel that you are genuine.
To those of you who totally relate to this, please do not beat yourself up about being self-centered. Please take the time to take care of yourself and learn self-love -- it’s a process. A process which requires you to be alone a lot of the time and do things for you, regardless of what other people will say or think about you. All this is easier said than done, I completely recognize that. But simply working toward this mindset is a really healthy way to start. Work through what you have to work through. You are validated and there are people who love and respect you. Screw everyone else.
