People often argue that women are the worst enemy to other women—that the “girl-hate” needs to stop. And I agree that the world would be a much better place if women everywhere supported each other rather than trying to prove that they are better than the general female population. But we also have to look at the roots as to why there’s a huge problem in the first place.

There has been, for as long as I can remember, a phrase or some variation of it that women use to separate themselves from the larger population of women. Whether you experience it in real life, or you hear it said on television, or even if it’s the defining characteristic of your favorite movie character, the, “I’m not like other girls,” mentality is everywhere. It always has been, and that mentality and the fact that it is so rampant in our society is what pits women against each other, because they are so determined to prove that they aren’t like other women. It’s not like we all chose to adopt this mentality one day—it’s what we’ve been raised into since the day we were born girls.

Women are all different, and of course I believe that those differences should be celebrated. Before this continues I want to make it known that I don’t have a problem with the, “I’m not like most girls,” philosophy because I think that all women are the same. My problem stems from the fact that that specific train of thought is used to shame women for their differences, not celebrate them.

While competition and cattiness can be found in the population of any gender, it’s most commonly talked about with women. Women are always the poster-children for being two-faced towards each other, for constantly trying to tear each other down and make each other seem inferior. And that perpetuation needs to stop. Because honestly, for the most part, deep down women really do want to get along because at the end of the day sometimes all we have is each other. A majority of the women are out there supporting each other but it gets difficult when you’ve been raised in a society that has trained you to think that you constantly need to prove yourself to be different than, to be better than, the girl next to you. That kind of brainwashing is what prompts the, “I’m not like other girls,” mentality.

A huge part of the reason that we have this mentality, is because we see the way that the world treats women. We try and set ourselves apart from, and outside the categories of, women that we constantly see shamed and dragged in the media. We’re caught in this limbo of being raised to be a “proper lady” and then when we get out into the world, or when we turn on our TV’s, we see the kind of girl we were raised to be getting torn apart, whether it be by the media or by the men we’ve been raised to chase after. We see other women get criticized for everything from her job, to the way that she cuts her hair, to the number of men she’s slept with and the number of dresses she owns. And seeing people, and people that you relate to and see yourself in at that, get shamed and torn apart and made a joke of, yes it makes you want to separate yourself so that the same thing doesn’t happen to you.

I’m in full agreement that the, “I’m not like most girls,” line needs to be obliterated because it is always said in a way that degrades other women. I think that girls everywhere need to stop using it to shame their fellow girls. But the rest of the world needs to realize that there’s more to it than that. Girls aren’t competitive in that way because we want to be; we don’t think that it’s fun. We do it because we’ve learned that there are a million ways to be a woman but for the most part, men and the rest of society don’t respect any of them. There is always something wrong with the way that a woman is choosing to live and we’re sick of being seen as always being in the wrong.

“I’m not like most girls,” is toxic, but it’s only an effect. The cause is the fact that society is constantly trying to tell women that they are existing in a way that’s inappropriate, and that needs to be brought to an end. I don’t want the girls who come onto this Earth after me to be living in a place where they are constantly made to feel like they need to separate themselves at the expense of other girls to be taken seriously and respected. Stopping the “girl-hate” involves the efforts of more than just women. It involves the efforts of everyone so that we create a society that doesn’t teach girls that they need to tear each other down, that they need to constantly be worried if they’re existing correctly.