I wasn't even sure if I wanted to enter those doors, I was blinded by disappointment, pity and shame. I lost track of who I was, I couldn't figure out why I became such a huge failure in such a small amount of time. I felt as if I was spiraling out of control, unable to breathe, my heart beat started to speed up, my palms begin to sweat, what would everyone think of me? As I found my way to an empty seat, I stumbled upon my own embarrassment, I quickly wiggled into the seat trying to hide my stupidity from those around me. I did not want the crowd to know that I...Jasmine Bennett was stupid!

As the ceremony began, I knew that I was not going to receive any honors, awards, distinguishes or scholarships, for I just wasn't very deserving. Every time the person on stage would call another name that was not my own, I would feel light headed, hot and hope that nobody saw me. My thoughts were racing, every minute that passed, was another minute of debating whether or not I should run out of the room in an attempt to save my reputation. How could someone go all of their life with A's and B's, perpetual praise, many awards, an award from the president himself (George Bush), a letter from Barrack Obama, several people cheering her on and so many accolades to THIS?

Honors convocation...as soon as I saw that flyer, I knew immediately that I wouldn't be receiving any type of awards, and the disappointment hit me so HARD! I came to college wanting to get a 4.0, but I didn't, I didn't achieve my goal, I didn't have much motivation left, I didn't feel as optimistic about school, I didn't want to continue going to classes, I felt like it was the end of the world! I was afraid of losing my scholarships, I was afraid of the thought of academic probation and so much more, yet I was too afraid to say anything. How could I tell my mom that I let her down? How was I to tell anyone that my grades were average at best? Average is such a painful word, I never want to be average, but here I am...AVERAGE!

I doubt if anyone knows this yet, but I am highly disappointed in myself, I have no idea who I've become! I've never felt like such a failure, and I just want to do better! The workload isn't too heavy, my work isn't too difficult, I just have trouble finding motivation to do much and now that my grades are the way that they are, I have an even harder time going to class everyday. Why should I go to class if I'm doing so poorly? Why should I keep trying, if I can't get to where I want to be? So many whys, so little time! The pain of falling short is so immense, and I'm so embarrassed to be in the position that I am currently in. Why did I do this to myself, and how can I overcome this situation?

I sometimes think that society has done this to me. They've pushed me so hard, tested me so much, put me in gifted elementary school classes, awarded me even when I have failed, and has caused me to have so much trouble accepting "failure". Throughout my childhood, I was constantly reminded of the fact that I was "smart", I was shown that my test scores were higher than the other students, I was compared to other students in the district (on the standard achievement tests–where they give you a comparison), I was compared to my siblings, I was told that I was going to be the one to make something out of myself, I was scolded for getting "C's", I was placed into high school groups called "20 plus club" (where you're expected to receive a 20 or higher on the ACT) and yet...I still failed to uphold these standards. So, I guess by saying all of this, I am able to express how I have been feeling on the inside, and I no longer have to hide it, it is here for the world to see!