I packed my bags last Friday. I started my day off with the basic brushing my teeth, washing my face, eating breakfast, and getting dressed kind of routine. I was on my way to be called to something greater. I was on my way to serve a purpose. Little did I know.

That morning before the bus arrived, I went to morning mass with my youth ministry, also known as Ignite. The priest gave an inspiring homily encouraging us to look beyond our day-to-day troubles and to trust in God's plan for our lives. To open our hearts and minds a little wider and to use our ears to really listen to all that this retreat has to offer us. As I was sitting towards the back of the church, this crisp and tranquil feeling came upon me as I glanced at the children and their parents sitting in the rows around me. I couldn't help but feel intrigued at the excitement and desperation for the Lord on their faces. Some had been on this retreat before while others didn't know what to expect and were just imagining and questioning "What's in store for me?" I took a look in front of me and just stared in awe at the alter. I really wanted to take in the graciousness and beauty of the corpus of Jesus and give myself a chance to let go of all of the hurt and fears inside of me.

I had been to Steubenville last year for the first time as a senior in high school. This year I was in charge of leading it, among other college students. I can't begin to describe to you the way in which I felt the Lord calling me in the year prior. It felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders and with every dropping tear, I felt the desire to have Him take control of my life and cleanse myself. The amount of teens on this retreat was immense, this year even more so, and with each crowd every year youth ministries gather together for 3 days of praise, worship, prayer, and small talks. And with that, there's always people who tell me how Steubenville has changed their lives. And it does, with each piece you decide to take from it and with every fleeting moment, you experience a new calling and new desire.

But it's not about feelings and emotions. It's not about the tangible. It surpasses that. We get so caught up on our emotions that we forget to simply be. We forget to let go because if we don't feel anything than our life doesn't change or our problems don't go away. The truth is, it's about healing. It's about grieving and spending time with it, simply reflecting on whatever is holding you down. The suffering part is optional. You don't have to hold onto that. Going into this retreat, I had a heavy heart. Some unfinished business and overwhelming thoughts, yet people think that just because you don't cry or feel His presence or feel peaceful that you're numb and closed off. That's not true.

That's why community is so important. Being around people who are going to help you become a better version of yourself and help lift you up. People that regardless of your hurt and sin, will accept you and pray for you and with you. It's ok to be alone with your thoughts sometimes. Steubenville allowed me to do that and although I may not have necessarily felt his presence this time around and regardless of the negativity I may have held on my plate, there is no doubt in my mind that He was there. There is no coincidence as to why I felt the way I did going in. God blessed me and used me in another way. In a way that far surpasses my understanding. He used me in the ways that He felt I needed to be used in, not according to my plans or my "feelings" but according to His. I healed other people and in the process I am grateful to have been that vessel for someone who needed it more than I did at that moment.

We are all a work in progress. We don't wake up every morning feeling all happy-dappy. We have our off days where we just want to sit with our thoughts and be alone. Emotional pain tends to weigh on us more than our physical wounds do. As I am still reflecting on this retreat, I am quiet. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I am trying to put together the pieces. Surrender your heart to Him and he will take the time to mold you. Even though you may not "feel" it now, He is working in your life in ways that will surprise you. Healing takes time.