I’ve always had problems talking. Ever since I started to speak, there’s always been some defining feature of my voice that someone could criticize. By far, communication is one of the hardest and most challenging things I’ve ever had to do. This is a bit discouraging, knowing it’s one of the most frequent and necessary activities I have to perform on a daily basis.
Up until around seventh grade, I suffered from a stutter and a lisp. While adolescence is a time where our empathetic compass is still in development, I've received plenty of hurtful comments and mockery from my peers. Unless I got really comfortable with someone, I was known to be very quiet and shy. The funny part about it all was I never considered myself a completely reserved person. I always thought I had something to say, but for some reason or another I might have not said anything. I feel like in a way people might have kept me from reaching for my full potential when it came to interacting with others, as I was scared of being mocked. This fear of expression was more apparent as I went further and further into my academic career. In fifth grade, I sang for the talent show. While I thought I did well and spent a good few months working on perfecting that act, I was still tormented for it for the next year of my life. People discouraging me and telling me how much I sucked at singing, something I loved to do, restricted me from doing anything pertaining to it on a public platform up for years.
In high school, while I didn’t have a lisp, and my stutter was decreased significantly, I still have issues talking to people because I hung on to how I was bullied for how I talked. It’s like how if dogs are shocked with a collar whenever they leave the boundaries of their home, soon they will be prone not to do so. I was so mocked for the way I talked, I had a natural tendency to stay quiet. Public speaking was the worst thing on the planet for me. I was so worried about screwing up in front of people for fear that the moment will be held over my head for years to come. I still remember almost every single mistake I’ve made in a presentation since sophomore year. There was one time I had to stop in the middle of a presentation and tell the class “I’m sorry, I’m having trouble with this,” and paused for a full ten seconds. I was mortified. Since then, I was so scared to do mess up while speaking again. Other times, I would just have to stop and tell people I had no idea how to word something. It made me feel like a total idiot in front of my entire class and it took me a good 24 hours to stop obsessing over how embarrassing it was. I remember the last presentation I ever had to do for my Theory of Knowledge class was one of the worst days of my life. The whole presentation was recorded, the material I had to cover was extremely difficult to understand and put into words, and the grade was worth a big chunk of our IB grade. Two other people also relied on my performance for their grade as well, so a lot was at stake. My anxiety went into overdrive. I spoke at a million miles an hour. Once I was done, while I knew I did well and I didn’t stumble, I didn’t even feel relieved. I felt sad. I was so fed up with how I set myself to this standard of perfection thanks to past experiences. I couldn’t even go to school for the next day and a half. I just wish that my teachers and my peers were able to understand exactly how I felt about speaking in front of people. It wasn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination to do something like that. In my mind, every time I publicly spoke, I basically put my entire reputation, my identity, and my intelligence in the minds of others on the line.
Today, while my confidence in my speech has significantly increased, I still have issues talking to people for fear I may say something that people don’t appreciate, find stupid, or think is annoying. More than anything, I worry that this will hinder me from building and maintaining solid relationships. The pressure of being interesting and saying something of substance never fails to get to me, just as it does in presentations, just in a less extreme form. Talking scares the hell out of me, and I wish that I was better at expressing myself.
However, I continue every day to make significant progress in communication, as I gain confidence in myself through being more social, participating in live theatre, and most importantly, having friends that care for you enough to help you sort out your insecurities and love you enough to embrace your flaws full force and with compassion. People like this that I’ve met will never lose a spot in my heart for all that they’ve done for me. They helped me to realize that I’m great just the way I am, no matter how I think I come across to others. Those who truly love me are going to stay with me, and I don’t have to try to be a perfect communicator to be appreciated by people.
If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this article, it would be to love your neighbor. Try looking deep into people before you begin to judge them, because I promise you, people are much more than what they present to you. All anyone wants is to feel comfortable in their own skin. And as individuals, the least we can do is provide the love and community to accommodate those circumstances.
