We’ve all been in an argument where we’ve had a hard time admitting that we're wrong. That's if we even admit it at all. Oftentimes, arguments are not resolved because neither party can say, “You’re right, I’m wrong, I’m sorry.” That would be a horrifying admittance that we are not the wonderful, can-do-no-wrong people that we view ourselves to be. So, at the end of an argument, both parties are stubbornly left sitting there making excuses for their own actions, while blaming the other person for the entire debacle. This brews a dichotomy between people; it becomes you versus the world and in this dichotomy, everybody sucks, except for you. But why is that? Why can’t we own up to our mistakes, admit that we are wrong, say sorry and move on? Well, there’s actually a psychological reason behind our self-favoritism. Unfortunately, it just means that we all suck, we just can’t admit it.
When we’re young, and continuing throughout our lives, we develop a self-concept. According to social psychologists, our self-concept is simply our view of ourselves, who we perceive ourselves to be, what we think our values and morals are, etcetera. Our self-concept is also what lets us know that we're our own person, separate from others. Understandably, if someone or something comes along and causes us to question our self-concept, we wouldn't be too happy. This is why we don't often admit when we're wrong, especially if it's something that contradicts our self-concept.
The idea that we can't admit when we are at fault can be loosely applied to the concept of cognitive dissonance. Beginning with Leon Festinger, social psychologists believe that cognitive dissonance is a process in which people try to avoid internal struggle when there are two conflicting ideas in their mind. For example, if you believe yourself to be a fierce advocator for the reproductive rights of females, yet you avoid a Planned Parenthood spokesperson on the sidewalk, it would create cognitive dissonance. Oftentimes, rather than accepting that you really screwed up and should have stopped, given your information and a nice donation, you will tell yourself that you didn't stop because solicitation is rude, or that if you did you would be late for work. So, if we apply this concept to an argument between people, the same conclusion occurs. Let's create a scenario: If Heather is arguing with her significant other because he screwed up their plans to hang out for the week, knowing in the back of her head that she has done the same thing at a time or another, she begins to experience cognitive dissonance because even though she knows she has done it too, she is still angry. More so, she is mad at herself for having done something inconsiderate like he is doing, especially when her self-concept is someone that always goes through with a plan. So, rather than saying, "It's okay, I've done it too, I understand," she will say, "How could you do this? This is so inconsiderate." And if he comes back and reminds her of that time when she did the exact same thing, she would say, "Well I did that because of ____, but your reasoning is absolutely ridiculous." In sum, the two conflicting views that caused cognitive dissonance were her self-concept of always following through with plans, and her anger with her boyfriend even though she had previously done the same thing.
So, why did Heather, who has done the exact same thing that her boyfriend did, refuse to accept responsibility, let it go and call it even? The same reason you wouldn't: it would harm your self-concept and would therefore not resolve your cognitive dissonance. If you admitted that you were wrong, then you would need to look at your self-concept and potentially revaluate yourself as someone who doesn't always go through with plans - something that your psyche is not readily comfortable with. If we let things go and accept responsibility for our actions, then we would have to accept an adjusted self-concept, and even worse, admit that we were wrong. But, wouldn't the relationships we hold just be easier if we all took a step back and understood that we're all human, that we all make mistakes and that it's okay to own up to them? Just because this is all a psychological occurrence does not mean that it is out of our control. If we become more aware of the inner workings of our mind, then we can be more conscious of not only our actions, but the implications of those actions and understand that when we do screw up, it's okay to admit that we suck.
