When I was a kid, a remarkable number of my friends spent hours upon hours dreaming of their future weddings. I have vivid memories of sitting in the back of my father’s truck with one friend as she described the venue she had chosen, the dress she would wear, the colors of the flowers, and the music she would have. She was nine years old.
Now, at nineteen or twenty or twenty one, my friends have moved on from bridal princess daydreams. Instead, they’re dreaming of the groom: he’ll be strong, kind, brave, polite, good with kids, probably rather handsome, and an admirable Christian. They want to get married, and they want to do it sooner rather than later.
Evidently, that’s normal.
For all of you who do want to get married, that’s great, and I wish you all long, happy, faithful marriages. That being said, we need to come to an understanding. When I say that I don’t really want to get married, many of you laugh. You tell me that I’m just being stubborn, that life changes after college, that I haven’t met the right guy yet. Almost all of you tell me that I’ll change my mind.
Out of curiosity, what makes you so immediately sure of that?
My first reason is this: I firmly believe that if a woman chooses to get married, then she must be absolutely willing to allow her future spouse to become the most important person in her life. At this moment in my life, I don’t see myself letting that happen. There are already people playing major roles in my life right now. They’re doing a pretty great job, if I do say so myself, and I cannot imagine putting them aside to make room for a man I haven’t yet met or even imagined.
That leads me to my second reason for not getting married: I can’t stand what marriage, in our culture, does to platonic friendships, especially for brides. In my experience, it’s often just assumed that when a woman gets married, she will cut her time with her friends to a minimum. True, that doesn’t happen immediately, but it does happen. Married women move to accommodate their husbands. They spend time with other couples. They become mothers and stay home. They spend time with parents of their kids’ friends. They cook, they clean. If they work, they spend time with their coworkers. And somewhere, somehow, sometimes, they manage to meet a few old friends for lunch. If they’re lucky, they might spend an afternoon with those old friends, but that’s less likely. Again, many women are perfectly okay with that. I’m not.
My third reason for not wanting to get married is that I don’t want to tie my life down to any man’s. I want to move where I want to go, study where I want to study, travel when and where I choose and arrange my own home to suit my purposes. I don’t want questions about my life to revolve around my marriage. Yes, you say, but surely you don’t want to be alone. First of all, some people do, and that’s fine, too. Second, though, I’m actually not alone. I still have those friends that marriage threatens to take from me. I’m hoping to move to grad school with one, if possible. I’m not alone, I just have a different style of long-term companionship.
My fourth reason may be my best: scripture encourages us not to seek out marriage for ourselves. We seem to have lost track of that detail. I am constantly amazed by the number of young Christian women who have grown up believing that because they are women they should be married as soon as possible. Why do we believe that it is godly and wise for us to watch and wait for a husband? The Song of Solomon tells us that we are not to seek out love before it is ready. Because marriage takes a person’s focus away from God, Paul writes that it is better for a Christian not to marry at all, unless they are driven to distraction by their longing, or passion, while they remain single. Singleness is listed by many as a spiritual gift. Why do we so consistently ignore its worth?
So no, I don’t want to get married. Maybe you do, and that’s great. I’ll play the piano as you walk down the aisle if you’d like. I love weddings. But please, when you ask me whether I have a boyfriend and I tell you that I don’t want one, don’t laugh at me and treat me as though I am somehow incomplete. I know why I don’t want to get married. Have you thought about why you do?
