"Why do you love attention so much?"
Earlier this week, I was asked why I love attention so much, and I did not have an answer. I had never thought about it. My whole life I have always sought after attention, not always intentionally. After a very long and wonderful discussion and some internal self-evaluation, I have come up with a few answers that might help some other attention-lovers understand themselves.
1. I like people watching.
I pay a lot of attention to how people react to the sheer amount of ridiculousness that is me. I'm a loud individual that wears weird makeup and clothes and drives around in a lime green VW Beetle covered in stickers; I'm going to get a couple head turns every once in a while. Whether the reaction is a good or bad one, I am always happy, because I changed that person's day, just a little bit. I brought some spice in their life, and I'm proud of it. I'm always looking for a reaction.
2. I like to know I'm being thought about.
My biggest fear is that I have no friends and that the people who i think are my friends only pretend to be because they feel sorry for me. Because of this, I put a lot of time and effort into my friendships. I don't want to take anyone for granted, and I don't want to be forgotten about. So, I make gifts or send out appreciation Snapchats just to show my friends I care. I get a sense of satisfaction because: 1) my friend is happy, 2) my friend feels loved, 3) they'll think of me in a positive light, 4) they might come to me when they're sad and need someone to talk to, and 5) I know they're thinking about me at all. I'm scared of being forgotten, and I hope the amount of effort I put into friendships will prevent that.
3. I have commitment issues.
When I was in high school, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost two years. It was the first serious relationship I had ever been in, so I had no idea what relationships were supposed to be. I thought I was going to marry this boy; I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me. After he hit me, I realized that it was not a healthy relationship, and I got out as soon as I could. I figured out that he never really liked me; he liked having something to control, and that terrifies me. So, now, I try to give people everything they will get when it comes to being with me. I don't want anyone to think I'm something I'm not, which always includes me over-sharing, over-reacting, and over-exaggerating.
4. This world is such an angry place, and I want to bring a little happy.
I try to spend most of my existence smiling and being happy. I feel like, if I'm happy, my energy will help others around me be happy. When I do something weird, like knit in class, people tell me how happy it makes them. I have been told by many that they look forward to seeing what lipstick color I will choose that day. I walk around campus wearing a Finding Dory blanket, and I see grins come across faces. I can deal with a little embarrassment if it means one person will be happy.
5. Sometimes, I'm not looking for attention; sometimes, I'm just weird.
Sometimes, I do things I don't even realize are against social norms. I try to live my life the way I want, and that often leads to me acting and speaking without thinking. Based on reactions, I can usually figure out if what I did or said was okay, but, sometimes, I won't find out until much later, which is usually pretty embarrassing when I find out. I've always had a weird way of looking at things, and I've come to embrace it, and, thankfully, so have most of my friends.
I'm not really sure if I answered the question, but I think I've come a lot closer to understanding such a quintessential part of my personality. So, the next time you see someone wearing blue lipstick or being unnecessarily loud in Wal-Mart, think about why they're doing that before you judge.
