Hey everyone! Your favorite blogger is back. These past two weeks of school have been incredibly overwhelming and also insightful. I have always been a good sport, but sometimes, you never really understand why things happen the way that they do.

(For privacy purposes, names of specific individuals will be anonymous and non-disclosed)

For the past (2) weeks, I was determined to nail an audition in one of the slower vocal pieces. The "One My Heart Desired" was gorgeous. In my opinion, it fit my voice, and I was sure to get it. I practiced every day since I found out about the solo and also memorized it. When it was time for auditions, I was the only mezzo-soprano to audition for the mezzo-soprano solo. The other students auditioned for the soprano solo. I knew I had it in the bag and was ready to be able to sing the solo I was dying for. But just like most times, this was not the case. The teacher asked one of the other students to try out for it and gave it to that student. Although I was thrilled that this particular student was allowed to branch out (which that person had confided in me that this was something that they wanted this semester), I was extremely devastated. I felt cheated, slapped in the face, and sick to my stomach devastated. I was so angry about this whole ordeal that I had called my family, my best friend, my boyfriend, two friends, etc. I went down a list just to get my frustrations out. I even prayed about this. I was over the edge hurt. The next day, my emotions never ceased. Instead, they grew even more. I felt like everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. This may seem over-dramatic, but this is how my mind roams. I also decided not to take a particular class next semester so that I wouldn't have to go through this type of heartache again. One of my colleagues informed me that there is a possibility for me to have another chance at a later date. I had almost forgotten that I could audition again at All-College Choir in Athens.

(For people who do not know, All-College Choir is dedicated to college students who are selected to participate in this large ensemble by their Choir Directors. It also happens during the same time as Janfest, GMEA, and All-State.)

During these few days, I thought I simmered down and was ready to get through the rest of the days until All-College Choir. Once the time had arrived, I realized that I was just angry because I put in the effort to accomplish this goal. Maybe, still a little mad with the teacher, but I was better and willing to make the most of my experience at All-College Choir. When we got there, I fell in love with the musicianship amongst the people, the kindness the people brought with them, the eagerness to learn that rubbed off on me, and the conductor who blew my mind.

Let me tell you about this short, little Asian lady named Dr. Pearl Shangkuan. She was outstanding, fluid, emotional, and well versed. She even spoke about her experiences with the pieces, her relationships with these American composers, what she has learned in her undergrad, and so much more that I can honestly go days talking about. She spoke very clear and commanded the room's attention. All in all, the experience was becoming extremely educational overtime. I didn't think that this conductor was going to have a significant impact on my life, but she did and for all of the right reasons. When it came down to auditions again, it was like a replay of the previous situation. I didn't get it again, but this time I was not as hurt. The two people who ended up getting the audition were the very few people who not only gave compliments on my voice and how good of a vocalist I was, but they were extremely helpful to me every step of the way during this short time frame. I told them they deserved it and that they sounded beautiful (which was not a lie). In the midst of all of this, I had auditioned for something else. As I auditioned for this very hype Church choir piece, I then realized I had made a very terrible mistake. I was not prepared in the slightest, I sounded very scared ,and my vibrato was all over the place. I thought I was having a mini heart attack. The funny thing about this is, I got alternate for the Alto Solo. Something I really honestly didn't want but was grateful for it.

The concert was the very next day and it was indeed magical. The two soloists, for the piece I wanted, sounded amazing — the soloists in the hype Church choir piece brought down the house. The musicianship, in general, was at an all-time high. I was proud of my colleagues, especially one who was a Lead Soloist in the hype church song. I was proud of the bonding we had experienced and the memories we have made. I was even proud of the fact that in all of the hurt I previously felt, I found some light at the end of the tunnel. I was proud of the fact that I could be genuinely happy for someone else and be at peace with this.

The next day it was time to head home back to the west side of the Georgia state. My social meter was utterly drained, and I just wanted to sleep and rejuvenate. On the car trip back, I ended up on Instagram, and an I came upon a post that set the tone for the remainder of the day. The two people who nailed the solo this time posted about how they were genuinely happy that they got something. They also stated that this was the highlight of their undergrad, and it made them so happy to experience this before they graduated. Not only was I relieved, but it made me ten times happier that this was way more than just a simple hit for them. It meant more.

I realized in that moment that I was doing the solo now for the wrong reasons. I was only doing it not because I wanted it badly (even though this was true), I was doing it to prove to my teacher that they made the wrong choice. I became entitled, selfish, and even unhumbled. I didn't deserve it as much as I thought, and I was starting to get a big head because of all the things I was gaining. It wasn't right, and I knew it. I had to simmer down and allow other people to shine. I also took this as a lesson that no matter how good you are, you must always be prepared for the good, the bad, and the worst. We are all human, and things happen, but sometimes the stuff you don't get is literally meant for someone else. I have accepted that my voice didn't mesh well with the other singers because of the darkened quality I have, but I am now OK with it. Not only are there other auditions and repertoire I can prepare for, but I could also look into other things that fit my voice better. It's OK to be sad, but it is not OK to feel entitled. I am happy that not only did I learn in my craft, but I also learned that I am just human and still need work to do.

These past two weeks have been a wake-up call, and I am happy it happened now versus months down the road. Moral of the story: Stay Humble and that what may not be for you may actually be for someone else. Hope you enjoyed this read!

-AJJS