In the midst of self-destruction, I found myself. It’s an odd thing to say, but I am who I am today because I destroyed the person I once was. One year ago, I was a fragile and submissive thing. Instead of making waves of my own, I was stuck at the shore, digging my toes into the sand, listening to the words of those who did not matter, and saying yes to the things my heart did not want; did not desire. I was living a lie, forcing a smile to hide the fact that I felt completely overwhelmed by the need to constantly impress those who surrounded me. I was a conformist and made sure everyone approved of the life I was living because that reassurance was my existence.
My fears kept me paralyzed in place, forcing me to stay grounded and to never move forward in the direction I wanted. I did not live in regards for myself, I lived to fulfill everyone’s expectations of me, afraid to disappoint or upset because I was petrified of being on my own. Isolation and solitude felt like the scariest thing in the world to me. I was afraid to speak my mind, so I surrendered to those who were louder than me. I was apologetic whenever I tried voicing my opinion or dressing the way I wanted to dress or dreaming the dreams I wanted to dream. This is the person I was one year ago, this is the person I laid to rest one year ago.
I hit my breaking point when I gave my all and was told that that was not good enough. I remember not reacting much, but placing my entire body weight onto the wall that was behind me to keep me balanced. There was a gold framed mirror in front of me, in my small bedroom, and I looked up at my reflection and thought, how was that not good enough? It was all I had.
It’s easier to put the blame on those you tried your hardest to please rather than yourself when the fact of the matter is, you gave those people the power to break you. I let toxic people suck the life out of me and dim the light that sprouted from the roots of my heart, and didn’t even put up a fight. That’s why at my breaking point, I started to destroy myself and I found that along with my destruction came liberation. I had all the opportunities in the world to re-create myself from scratch and that, I found, was a beautiful thing.
There comes a time in your life when you have to decide whether you want to live or just exist. For a while, I just existed and I existed to please others. Luckily, I soon realized that I was not brought into this world to make sure everyone but myself was happy with my life and the decisions I make. My existence is much bigger than that and is meant for so much more.
Freedom is a state of mind that is only achievable once you free yourself from the expectations and limitations others set for you. Many will find themselves at rock bottom, but it’s important to remember that self-destruction is a form of creation. Who I am today is a strong and free young woman. I will not conform to fit in with the crowd, I will not sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others, I will not be silenced, I will not apologize for speaking my mind or looking the way I want to look or dreaming the dreams I want to dream because this is my life. It is not the last time I will ever self-destruct to re-create, and it doesn’t have to be. In my small bedroom, standing in front of that gold framed mirror, I saw a glimpse of who I could be if I just destroyed who I was. So like a storm, I destroyed and then I found myself.
