Even though my body was created and developed in Nanchang, China, my heart never was. I will be forever grateful to my country, but I will never feel a sense of warmth and hospitality in it. And for that, I sorry but also not sorry. I’m sorry I cannot express my love of where I’m from. But I’m not sorry that I left it.

I don’t know much about Nanchang. I did a project that was related to China my senior year of high school, and I did find myself learning more about my country than I expected, such as their high financial success and great deal of pollution. I know most of the clothes on my bag and toys in children’s hands were made in China. But I don’t really know my country. Even so, there are some parts about my ten months in China that I do know.

Nanchang is where my birth happened but not where my life began. I remember my parents telling me that I was left in front of police station when I was born and brought to the orphanage that day, which was where my parents got me. I don’t know how much I weighed when I was born or wh8at time of the day I was born like a lot of people do, but in the end, I’m completely fine with it. Even though this may be all I know about my birth, I remember that it’s still something I know about my time in Nanchang.

I wish I could say that I was proud of my country like some of my friends do, but truthfully, I cannot. It isn’t really my country or I place I've been able to call home. My heart didn't know how to love yet when I was an infant in China, but I refuse to let that make me any less Chinese. A part of my ethnicity is being Chinese and even though I may not know Chinese, that’s who I am and that’s where I started. Maybe not mentally, but physically. And I know that if it wasn’t for my birth in Nanchang, I wouldn’t be here in New York with my family or be receiving a college education. So for that, I thank Nanchang.

I do know that Nanchang is within the Southeastern region of China, and I do know that I have at least half a dozen friends that are adopted from China as well. If it wasn’t for the start of our lives in China, I would of never been brought together with them today. One day, I do hope to return to China and see the hotspots of it. Aside from that, a piece of me wants to return to Nanchang and see what my first environment was like. Maybe see which orphanage my parents got me from, or which street the police station was on. Even though I want to make a connection to China someday, I know I won’t suddenly feel like I belong there or at home there. And oddly enough, I’m OK with that.

My gratitude towards Nanchang increases by the day. One thing I know for sure as an adopted kid is that my heart and my mind still holds onto where I’ve come from. If it wasn’t for the way I was raised, my heart would not have the appreciation for Nanchang, China that it does today. My mind will continue to think about my past, which I considering reminiscing instead of grieving. I know Nanchang is a part of me and my history, but it isn’t my country or something I can call home. I’m grateful for where I’ve come from but am in love with where I’ve been.