Let me begin by saying this: It's taken me well over a year to be able to look at my old self and say “I forgive you." I forgive you for making those mistakes in the past. I forgive you for being stubborn, unrealistic, and unwilling to listen. I forgive you for always having to learn things the hard way. I forgive you for putting that boy on a pedestal, to the point where your entire amazing and wonderful family was kicked off, thrown away, chewed up and spit out. I even forgive you for preferring to be in a toxic relationship rather than be alone. Most of all, I forgive you, Mattis, for being afraid to leave.
As my sophomore in college self is laying on the floor (yes I always lay on the floor instead of the bed) attempting to write this piece, I am realizing just how misleading that title must sound to everyone else. Why in the world would being in a toxic relationship ever be a good thing? I'm sure some people are probably thinking “That girl must be crazy" and well, some of that is probably true. Actually, it is. Any of my friends or family could confirm this. BUT, the honest truth is, there is a good thing that came out of my situation. In fact, there are many good things that came out of it. Let's not get carried away though… because it didn't just become okay overnight. I wasn't all of a sudden fixed and ready to love again. It took a while. It took time. It took pain. It took tears, distance, and patience. It took hitting complete and utter rock bottom.
To him, I was never enough. I was never pretty, skinny, quiet, smart, or supportive enough. When he cheated on me, it was MY fault. When he yelled at me for things I had absolutely no control over, I was the one to blame. When he tracked my phone and found me at a party that I wasn't allowed to go to according to his rules, him touching me in a way a girl should never be touched was my fault. I was his own personal punching bag. So what did I do? I changed who I was so that I could please him. I became dependent on him and did whatever he said. I let him delete all of my guy friend's phone numbers because having friends that were guys made me a “wh*re" and a “sl*t". I isolated myself from my friends and family because that's what he wanted, because he “hated my family". He especially hated my dad, so I did too. I became a monster. I put all of the blame and hurt onto the people that didn't deserve it, particularly my father. I refused to speak to him, unless I was yelling that I hated him and the rest of the family I had. When my parents said that I couldn't see him anymore, I rebelled. I lied, snuck around their backs, and became an angry person. I refused to realize that they were doing this out of love and not spite. Once more, I chose a person who hurt me over and over and over again over the people that gave me life.
It was a constant internal battle I let myself endure for months. I couldn't even enjoy some of my freshman year of college because of this. Miles away from him, he still controlled me and dictated my life. Then, one day, I realized something so important. He claimed that I never appreciated or loved him the way he deserved and the way others would if they were lucky enough that he gave them a chance. Of course I didn't…because I didn't even love myself. I didn't even know who I was at that point in my life. I'd never even realized that: that all this time, I was continuing to let him steal the most important things in life away from me…but when I did, I learned to live again.
I learned to…
Appreciate and love my family even more than I thought was possible.
Celebrate the little moments.
Cut my hair because I liked it and his opinion didn't matter anymore.
Let myself laugh.
Wear what I wanted to wear and not what he told me to wear.
Listen to songs I couldn't listen to before without getting sad.
Rely on family, friends, and my sorority sisters instead of boys.
Focus on what really matters in life.
Do things he never let me do-like go to parties or concerts or sporting events.
Let myself make my own decisions.
Not be afraid.
Let myself get to know ME again-what I loved, hated, wanted and needed.
Find love again.
I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not learned the hard, terrifying, heartbreaking lesson that I did from him. I wouldn't be as insanely close with my family as I am now. I wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't be here at the University of South Carolina studying what I absolutely love in a sorority that gave me the friends that saved me. I wouldn't have been able to save myself. All that time, I thought I couldn't do it alone. The truth is, I could all along.
