So maybe I’m wrong in this situation: I’m sitting next to my roommate in this silent study space in the library of my lovely university. As I study, I begin to feel the churning of stomach acids and cafeteria food bubble in my stomach like a witch’s caldron. So of course, I do what I normally do and begin to rattle off my usual rounds of nighttime flatulence. Typically I am just a noise-maker with my farts. But tonight, I was serenading this ten by twelve foot room with an odious symphony. I am a seasoned veteran in the art of farting and at this point in the game, I am too jaded to feel embarrassed by my dutiful (or doodie-filled) deeds. Throughout the night, the response to my public cutting of the cheese was typically laughter. However, the response of one individual on this given night stopped me in my tracks and became a true test of my immaturity.
I let off a ripper down left field and I lock eyes with an unlucky spectator who is about to catch this air as potent as Aeolus’s winds. He looks at me, shakes his head, and mumbles something under his breath. In a subtly antagonistic tone I ask him, “What was that?” The man succinctly responds with, “You are disrespecting us.”
I replied to this wildly unexpected comment with an “Okay.” It wasn’t the kind of okay that meant “Buddy, take it easy.” It was the kind of okay that meant, “Yeah you know what I guess I’m the ass.”
Was I put in my place? Perhaps. Did I feel like an idiot? Kinda. Did I think about this encounter for the rest of the night? Absolutely.
As I mulled this situation over in my head, I pondered whether I was in the wrong, whether I should grow up, whether I should hold my innumerable farts like a squirrel stocking up on acorns and pine nuts for the winter. And then this thought occurred to me…
WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE CARE SO MUCH?
Is it really that disrespectful that my cheeks can squeak like new shoes on a basketball court? Is it really that problematic that my ass can pass methane that can uproot even the most resilient of nostril hairs? Why is it that farting is this weird taboo in which everyone must get so offended? If it makes you that uncomfortable, then why don’t you just laugh about it? Farting is the funniest thing that your body can ever do. There are millions of apps and websites that just have different types of farts. Clearly, we should reevaluate what gets us so pissed off. Heaven forbid we laugh about something that isn’t expected in a commonplace context. What gets me so annoyed—not that anyone cares—is how stuck up we seem to get over the most insignificant nuances of everyday life. Getting mad about farting is just about the best example at how we are taking everything (including ourselves) just a little too seriously. Rather than keeping the farts in my own ass, why don’t you take the stick out of yours?
