As a frequent frequenter of coffee shops, I find myself frequently judging people who frequent the coffee shop. Their coffee orders betray a lot about their lives. I have ordered all of these drinks at certain times in my life, so know that I know what I’m talking about.

This is the official post on "Who’s who in the Patisserie."

This post will reveal a large amount about you to you, your friends, your mother and, most importantly, me (the little aliens living behind your irises – the government discovered them in 1936, but didn’t tell anyone).

First, here comes Black Coffee Brenda. She is a no-nonsense working woman with ten fingers and ten toes. She orders curtly and immediately begins responding to emails on her phone as she waits. Brenda rose to power quickly in the world of finance (Or was it archeology?), without waiting for another woman to slow her down. She sits atop the pyramid at that one famous company and makes a significant amount of money. What do we not know about Brenda? Other than the very successful chameleon-fighting ring that she runs, not much.

Next, here comes Soy Latte Sam! A no-nonsense guy he finds himself back at school. He wants to finally get that degree after his gap "year" (it was four years long). Sam is an aspiring social worker, as he spent a large amount of time in Thailand, working with kids in impoverished villages. He will fervently tell you that his time in Thailand did help out the country in the long run, that it was not voluntourism. Sam plans to major in Penguin Nutrition and Slimy Things, as this is the basis of social work.

Whoa! Is that No Whip Nelly? She is truly an enigma.

Hey, there’s Carl Cappuccino! His poofy hair, matching the foam of his coffee order, bounces throughout the store – matching the way his voice shrilly slams around the room. Carl, a frequenter of the place, converses happily with the baristas and does that long drawn out, "Hey," that is too loud for the room he’s in. He aspires to be a trophy husband for anyone. Literally anyone. His special skills include Groupon, couponing and drowning foods in Grey Poupon.

Mallory Mocha, local businesswoman, orders with grace and panache. She also, conveniently, orders the Graze and Panache meal plate as well (look it up – panache is a vegetable plate). Realizing that this is a coffee shop, Mallory apologizes and buys three muffins in a fit of embarrassment. She sits down and strikes up conversations with the various patrons in the coffee shop (including an awkward encounter with this reporter).She apologizes frequently yet decides on the spot that she will be more assertive. Mallory, on her way out, ends up holding the door for seven people instead of walking out at the appropriate time.

Charles Cold Brew trudges in at an unacceptable 1:35 a.m., in need of another caffeine injection to fuel his Computer Programming/Environmental Studies double major. He aspires to solve the issues presented by President Trump, who is beginning his fifth term this next April. Charles hopes for a bright future to begin, but cannot keep up with nastiness spewing from Trump’s several mouths. Charles can only hope that someone will find a solution to his sleepiness. For now, he can only hope for that. He looks directly at me, raises his cup and says a wistful, “Good luck.”