It has never been easy for me. But I bet you a lot of people who know me, or think they know me would disagree. From an early age I was pinned to basically my own stereotype. The happy little girl, who was always laughing and never had a problem in the world. And for a while that was me. I was that girl. But I am not anymore. This is not to say I'm not happy or carefree anymore, but I am more than what I was when I was young. I am older, I am wiser and I am different.
It all really start to hit me in high school and when I was branching out to colleges and other schools and getting to know a lot of new people. After about a five minute conversation, the first statement I usually receive is, "Oh wow, you're actually smart." And for the record, no compliment should ever contain the word actually. Because actually, you just insulted me. I'm never surprised by this comment anymore but I still always ask to elaborate and ask why they said that. Every single time I'm given the same answer. Because I'm a skinny girl with a large chest, captain of the cheerleading squad and I know my way around a makeup brush. So clearly all of those things align with me lacking any type of intellect or thought that could potentially make a difference in this world. I've always been told to take this a compliment, but really I am insulted because it does make sense to me why people treat me the way they do now. And it goes far beyond questioning my intelligence.
After this initial stage of getting to know me and figuring out that I can actually use a calculator and I know what the inside of a textbook looks like, people find out I suffer from pretty severe anxiety and depression. Then, I am told there's no way I could possibly have it. "But you're so happy. You have everything you could ever want." "You are so pretty. Everyone loves you." "People have it so much worse than you do!" Thank you, I realize that the physical outside world around me is good and now I feel even worse about myself. Why? Because I know people have it worse than me and I feel guilty for complaining, but, since I actually am smart, unlike popular belief, I know I can't control the chemical imbalances in my brain. So yes, I am depressed.
Then, along came college. Yes, these comments still came along but generally they got worse. I gained a little weight, so what I was wearing was inappropriate or slutty, even though I am a size 2. My tattoo, which I received for myself in honor of my strength through mental illness, was turned into something people found sexual. I even had a boy make a very sexualized comment about my tattoo to my face and he thought it was perfectly okay. When I replied to his comment he basically told me I was asking for it by getting the tattoo. What was worse about people shaming my body image was this: I had been sexually assaulted in high school and in college, and people started telling me it was my fault. My best friend even got punched in the face for protecting me because the boy said, "He took a girl he rightfully deserved away from him." All of these boys' actions were blamed on me. I felt guilty for crying hysterically at night; I felt guilty for everything and people told me that maybe if I acted differently, or wore other clothes maybe these types of things wouldn't happen to me or anyone else. I'm sorry I can't control psychotic boys, or the size of my chest, but it is not my fault. I will not stand for people to tell me these things happen because of who I am.
Overall from being a happy girl, I still power through it. I would like to think of myself as the same girl I was 10 years ago. I know I'm not but I aspire to be. So please, just because I have a smile on my face, or a cheer bow in my hair does not mean you or anyone else is allowed to assume anything about me or make any comment about my life that you are not a part of. I'm sure you have walked in a lot of shoes but they were all your own you never walked in mine. Please do not assume you know me until you know what I've been through.
