This question has always been a big mystery to me--that is, until the day I decided that I wouldn't let that get in the way of my relationship.
I was definitely a serial dater before my current relationship. I dated guys from a variety of cultures. I think what I found was that, depending on his culture, the guy either wanted to or didn't want to pay. Seems obvious enough. As a feminist, my only concern is the reasoning behind a guy's traditional actions. Historically, these cultural norms of opening doors and paying for everything emphasize the fragility of women, and the dependence that they are told to have on men. This subsequently puts women in a subordinate position.
I am a New York native. I happen to live in a city where there is equal pay, which only happened during my lifetime. My family is from Brazil, where inequality exists and is definitely reinforced. Growing up, I knew the differences between my brothers and I, especially when it came to expectations. My parents are older and from a generation immensely different than millennials. As a result, the whole patriarchy thing isn’t foreign to me.
With that said, I grew up with strong female figures in my life that broke out of our cultural norms. Ironically, I was always told to subscribe to “feminine” behaviors, which includes being nurturing, being a caregiver, and catering to a man's every whim. Of course being the rebel that I am, I felt the need to assert myself and oppose those traits. I was always the only girl in various social situations since I grew up with all male siblings. I think that is one of the many ways that I became a feminist at a very young age. I grew up feeling capable of doing everything my male counterparts could do since I saw women do things every day that went above and beyond what society told them they could do.
Given my background, I always felt that I was responsible for myself. If I went out, I did not leave thinking that because I am a woman, a guy would pay for me. In fact, I have on several occasions just paid for things without permission. I don’t always think of it as a feminist thing, but more of a common sense thing--if I have money and you don't, I'm going to pay for you. I don’t want money to keep me from getting to know someone for who they are. If someone volunteers to pay on the first date, I have no problem letting them; I can certainly accept that as a nice gesture. I would prefer, however, for the gesture to not become routine.
As young adults, we don't all really have money. In fact, the main topic of discussion seems to be who has less money. New York is expensive and we are not paid nearly enough to survive on our own. So, if someone doesn’t have enough money to pay, I don’t judge. However, no matter how wonderful my date goes, or how much I enjoy someone as a human being, people's first question after the date is often: “Did he pay?”
My former therapist would ask me this about my dates in the past. Apparently, according to my therapist, a date only goes well if the guy pays. I found that mentality to be absurd. Some of my worst dates have been with guys who have paid, but that is not something exclusive to bad dates. I completely agree that financial independence is important, but it is difficult to have that within my age demographic. A lot of us still live with family because of the high prices in rent and tuition. Besides, picking up the check says nothing about whether you will be a good boyfriend or not. I consider ambition and goals more than anything. Maybe you haven’t reached where you want to be, but knowing that someone is working just as hard as I am is all that matters. I want to have things on my own terms and through my own hard work. So no, I do not judge you if you can’t or can wine and dine me regularly.
I’ve had a variety of experiences where guys treated me a particular way because of this mentality. I believe that because I have picked up the check, either at a bar or a restaurant, men have felt threatened by me. I tend to openly talk about these social issues now because of so many hit or miss dates I've had. I once dated a European guy who could not take me seriously because I had paid for our drinks. Some men simply don’t want women to do this for them.
Somehow, me paying for our drinks made me someone he could not take things a step further with. Another experience I had similar to the previous was with someone who was religious. He openly told me that because I had these opposing feminist views, I wasn’t respectable enough to "invest" in. I see that in these extreme cases, it is about dominance and masculinity. It is uncomfortable for a lot of men conditioned to believe certain things about women to have someone challenge their views. Being independent and strong, in any fashion, is viewed as an unacceptable flaw to a lot of men.
When my current relationship first started, I knew these things wouldn’t be an issue to him. However, whenever he opened the door for me, I would open the next one while roaring, “Equality!” It seems completely ridiculous now because there was no need, but some men just don’t get it.
There is no right or wrong way to go about the issue of inequality among men and women. People from different cultures will view these things completely differently from my western point-of-view. I think as a young person, it is important to evaluate one's expectations, and what it is that one wants out of a partner. Leaving all the institutionalized sexism aside, the whole point of dating is to get to know someone for who they truly are, so don't be afraid to speak your mind.
