“But she is so pretty.”
I can’t tell you how many countless times, from countless people, about countless relationships I have heard this phrase muttered in confusion. I don’t know if it’s contagious or a simple coincidence, but the past few months I have been drowning in news of relationships ending. And while my heart aches for the parties involved, no matter the circumstances, how shallow to simplify this complex, emotional human event to, “But she is so pretty.”
There are a few things wrong with this approach, the first is that the “she” in question each time, or insert any other pronoun, is not just pretty. She is a human with many more beautiful qualities than physical. She could have the biggest heart, a great sense of humor, be the most loyal friend, or deeply intelligent. She is likely many of these things and many more. Using this type of rhetoric continues to perpetuate the stereotype that a woman’s worth, or anyone’s for that matter, is what she looks like and nothing more. And not to mention on a smaller level, how confusing that must be to the individual going through this to hear that their physical beauty is the most valuable thing about them. That hyperawareness of the physical is what causes people to become obsessed leads to eating disorders and mental illnesses. Stemming from the frantic feeling that their beauty is fleeting and they must do anything necessary to hold on to it. After all, it is the quality being given importance by the insertion of a comment like this.
The second thing that is wrong with this approach is that compatibility is not entirely based on physicality. It isn’t even mostly based on physicality. Who died and made you Dr. Phil, and suddenly able to understand everything about a relationship you are not in and likely know very little about? How would you know if two people lived together in a way that was positive and healthy? You think that because someone was physically an “eight" that their “five” of a counterpart would/could/should never leave them. All because an “eight” is gracing a “five” with their affection, we should ignore all of the other ways in which two people don’t necessarily mesh. Compatibility is emotional, mental, and sexual. It is about lifestyles, ideological beliefs and values. “Relationship goals” should be more than a good Instagram picture. Let us not forget in this age of “How Great can I Make My Life Look via Social Media?” that actual, genuine joy is infinitely more satisfying than 200 likes.
This little moment and similar small “harmless” comments are made by many daily. Sometimes even I catch myself. Most of the time it feels like a compliment, a moment of female empowerment because your fellow human being is likely very beautiful and you acknowledge that. The issue is that we frequently empower feminine beauty in its socially acceptable forms and fail to acknowledge alternative ways to thrive as a woman.
In reflection, it is a huge reminder that the way something appears is only part of the story. To get the full picture, you have to know how it functions, how it feels, how it adapts. You have to live it to truly understand it. Leaving the gentle reminder that: Your life is not your Instagram page, your relationship is not the five percent you show your friends, and you are not your face/body. We are human. We are emotional. We are complicated.
