Just my luck as usual, to pick that one out of millions that turns out to be the most evil, dishonest, and detrimentally harmful person I could possibly have chosen. It seems I have fashioned a keen sense of attraction to this particular element, despite what I thought was an astute judge of character.
I wish I could say that my experiences have made me a bulletproof degenerate detector, but such is simply not the case, and I've yet again been fooled by a soft voice and set of blue eyes. Is it me, or does it seem to others that the nicer they appear, the more vindictive they turn out to be? Alas, this is precisely the conclusion I've come to after my latest dance with the devil, and narrow escape of his powerfully cunning clutches.
It began as most, with endless hours of conversation filled with the excitement of learning every last bit about him. Initially of course, everything was bliss and there was nothing in the world I would rather be doing. Conversations soon turned to time spent together, and progressively graduated into a head over heels love before I knew it. As always, I carefully considered the fact that this person could very well be nothing of what he'd presented. Then I foolishly dismissed it, blinded by his insatiable charms. He said I was his dream come true, and treated me just that way.
Soon after entirely immersing myself into a relationship with this man, I find out one day that he's told just a little white lie. Only, it wasn't so little and in actuality threatened the very core of our precious unity. He had lied about his very brief, previous relationship, which generally would not have been a big deal. In this case however, this former fling would prove to be one of the worst things to ever happen to either of our lives. She remained, unbeknowst to me, in his life in an on again - off again affair during the course of our relationship.
Do I blame her?? Naturally I do. She had full knowlege of me and the relationship that my boyfriend and I had. She knowingly and purposely, savagely interfered and ruined every bit of good between us. Even as far as claiming that she had no idea that she'd been carrying his child months into our relationship. In my book, any woman that willingly offers herself to be with a man whose involved is the lowest peice of slime there is, aside from the man himself.
Her involvement continued throughout our two years, making a happy existence nearly impossible. On the surface, the two of them used the guise of co-parenting as the purpose of their involvement together. Slowly, the lies and catching him in them began to get more and more frequent. He began leaving his phones in his car, (two of them) or had their ringers muted to keep them hidden. She then began following me to my university, and my home in efforts to confront me with her truth and finally out him. All the while, he was telling me that she was an out of control, jealous ex-girlfriend that he wanted nothing to do with. All of these enormous red flags were smacking me in the face day after day, yet I still gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was being truthful. It was always in the back of my mind though and was truly disturbing, but I had no concrete proof of infidelity. Therefore, for my own sanity I did not want to dwell in the belief. Going one further, I encouraged the building and expressed the importance of having a solid bond between himself and his child, regardless of the turmoil with the mother.
Ultimately, any and all efforts I made to be the girlfriend I was supposed to be to this man, were completely and utterly useless. Two years and change into the commitment I made with him, I find out that he was indeed unfaithful with not only her but many others. Beginning in our first month, (yes, that magical time of falling in love) and occuring the duration.
Not only was my prince charming warming his....heart... with other women, but also involving himself with people he knew had no love loss for me. A few in particular were my own family members whom I'd disowned because of my severely physically abusive upbringing. Together they gathered for regular bash sessions, with me still being completely unaware. After linking with these people, this man then decided to take every heartbreaking detail I'd shared with him about my abusive childhood and kick it back into my face. He began telling every person he possibly could that I had made up an entire lifetime of abuse and incredibly, that I in fact had abused and neglected my own children. As he did so, he was still with me everyday, professing his love.
Every piece of this information and much, much more, came to me individually within a few weeks time. Each time I thought there could be no lower, I was umimagineably wrong. The sheer impact of this deception was mind blowing and I honestly struggled greatly on how I would even begin to cope with the devastation. The struggle was so severe, it had me debating my own life.
Do I blame him?....You bet your dirty bedsheets I do. How can someone be that cold and cunning and decievingly charming all at the same time?? He was hands down, the most mentally damaging man I'd ever known. Second only to my original abusers with identical m.o.'s. After all said and done, he nearly persuaded me to continue a relationship with him, and god help me I nearly did. He all but convinced me that it was my fault, of his undying love for me and that he would go to hell and back to keep me by his side. Despite the magnitude of irreperable damage he'd just caused me, I was almost sucked into his game again. He had no doubt, honed his craft with mastery precision.
Do I blame myself? Of course. I saw the signs but chose still to give the benefit of the doubt. How could I be so incredibly wrong about somone?? Was this part of the pattern I'd learned to accept from toxic people? Should I just go with my gut and expect the worst to protect myself? I just don't know anymore, and armed with the freshly inflicted, deeply rooted scars from this last dance, I will be reeling and cautiously questioning for a long time to come.
