White Liberal Males Are Exhausting To Date

White Liberal Males Are Exhausting To Date

Oh yeah, you're a feminist? How progressive.
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White Liberal Males,mostly found in used bookstores in Portland or your local pub drinking a fine stout handmade by a guy down the street who grows hops in his backyard. He’s probably sporting a beard he grew all by himself and has a vinyl collection that he can’t wait to show you when he gets you up to his one bedroom urban apartment. If you met him at the used bookstore, he probably pulled out his favorite novel which was probably written by some dead Russian novelist like Dostoyevsky- he loves the Russian classics because his literature professor said they were good. He probably read you a line or two, butchering the Russian names in a fake accent pulled right out of Dr. Zhivago. If you found him at the bar, he probably ordered you a drink, not caring about your preferences, just assuming you like his pretentious pub that serves their stout selections on planks of wood because they’re innovative like that. Your beer tastes like garbage. At this point he probably pulled out some sort of line about how he's such a feminist.

And maybe you fell for it. I don’t judge. I’ve fallen for it so many times myself.

White Liberal Males tend to be exhausting to date and there are a plethora of reason. Most of these reasons will be generalizations or exaggerations of bad past experiences and I only say this as a disclaimer because I’m friends with a lot of White Liberal Males, most of which would be really hurt by this article. But sometimes, it’s great to have a little self reflection.

I think first, we’ll go back to the scene at the pub, or the bookstore, or even the one bedroom apartment where he shows us his vinyl collection and he says that thing, that thing he thinks we’ll find alluring. It’s usually something along the lines of, “Ugh all men are garbage!” or “Women get so much crap.” or maybe it’s some reference to politics of today like, “I think Hillary Clinton would have made a great president.” or even, “My mother is my biggest role model,” Which if you hear that last one, run! But the point of this line is to separate themselves from the other guys. They aren’t like those horrible jerks who catcalled you on your way to the table at the pub or the guy on the street who grinned and nodded at your figure in that dress you wore to the bookstore. They aren’t like our current president. Heck, some guys will straight up say, “I’m a total Feminist.” as if believing in equal rights is something to brag about. It can be gross, it can be toxic, but we still fall for it, believing, somehow, maybe he isn't like other guys. Maybe he’s alright. But we learn later, this is a total lie. He might be a feminist, maybe. Or he might say he is a feminist because he knows you like that. But at the end of the day, he still perpetuates the everyday toxicity found in our patriarchal culture.

The next fun part of dating a White Liberal Male is when their sexism comes through and you feel like you need to call out his sexism, whether it be something he did, or said or even accepted as if it’s “how things just are.” You feel like you need to call it out. Let’s say, he said something crappy while playing video games. He might have said, “Ugh, b****” and you said, “Hey, you shouldn’t say that.” and he said, “Oh, no, that’s just what I say with my friends while gaming” and you say, “Well it’s offensive. and maybe he might apologize and it'll be insincere, but the conversation where you call out his sexism comes down to this: “I swear, I’m not sexist.” It’s usually met with some sort of explanation, like I wasn’t raised to be sexist, or even “I voted for Hillary.” Either way, their actions are dismissed as being a one time thing and not something defining their character. But this behavior doesn’t end. Even when more situations come up, they still defend themselves and their honor, claiming they could never be sexist. They’re perfect liberals.

The next parts tend to get harder because at this point, you’ve fallen for your White Liberal Male. Maybe you’re thinking about settling down. At this point you kind of want to start your post college career. You’re entering your thirties after all and your temp job isn’t suiting you. College was fun. You learned a lot. But here’s the tick: now you’re beginning to discuss all of the intricacies of family planning with your partner and you find that there’s a lot of personal opinions they haven’t talked about. For example, the wedding. You for one, don’t really see the point of having a traditional wedding. Your liberal arts teacher told you all about the history of weddings and how weddings tend to symbolize giving up women as chattel for money and that just doesn’t sit right with you. You also don’t want to give up your last name because you have your own name. Even the idea of calling it your “maiden name,” grosses you out. You’re not a maiden. You’re a women with a career. But he insists on a traditional wedding, because it’s what his mother wants. He told you on his first date that he really cares about his mom. I told you to run. And then you kind of realize, that sure, maybe he is a feminist and believes in equal rights but because they don’t personally affect him the way they affect you, then they don’t matter as much. They can be tossed aside for a moment. It’s just a wedding after all. It’s just your future. It’s just your agency and the rights of your name and your personal identity that’s defined your whole life. What does it matter if he’s not personally affected. Not everything has to be political.

And it’s this reason why White Liberal Males are so exhausting to date- because they don’t get it. They’re never understand the experience of someone less privileged than themselves. They don’t know why the things they do are toxic. They don’t understand that the best way to be a good ally, especially in a romantic relationship is to take a person's word for it if they say you’re perpetuating the toxicity. And to not get frustrated and defensive if you’re called out and to not think that just because you are liberal, you are incapable of contributing to the inequity that women and people of color face on a daily basis. Because, every single day sometimes feels like a battle when sex and gender become important in the moment, which they do- it can be exhausting and scary. It’s a lot easier if you try to understand and believe us when we tell you you’re being gross. The maybe you wouldn’t be so exhausting to date.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle: Here Is Why Being Picky Is Okay.

They're on their best behavior when you're dating.
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Dating nowadays described in one word: annoying. What's even more annoying? when people tell you that you're being too "picky" when it comes to dating. Yes, from an outside perspective sometimes that's exactly what it looks like; however, when looking at it from my perspective it all makes sense. I've heard it all, "He was cute, why didn't you like him?" "You didn't even give him a chance!" "You pay too much attention to the little things!"

What people don't understand is that it's OKAY to be picky when it comes to guys. For some reason, girls in college freak out and think they're supposed to have a boyfriend by now, be engaged by the time they graduate, etc. It's all a little ridiculous; however, I refuse to put myself on a time table such as this due to the fact that these girls who feel this way are left with no choice but to overlook the things in guys that they shouldn't be overlooking, they're settling and this is something that I refuse to do.

So this leaves the big question: What am I waiting for?

Well, I'm waiting for a guy who...

1. Wants to know my friends.

Blessed doesn't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. I want a guy who can hang out with my friends. If a guy makes an effort to impress your friends then that says a lot about him and how he feels about you. This not only shows that he cares about you but he cares about the people in your life as well. Someone should be happy to see you happy and your friends contribute to that happiness, therefore, they should be nothing more than supportive and caring towards you and your friendships.

2. Actually, cares to get to know me.

Although this is a very broad statement, this is the most important one. A guy should want to know all about you. He should want to know your favorite movie, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite Netflix series, etc. Often, (the guys I get stuck on dates with) love to talk about themselves: they would rather tell you about what workout they did yesterday, what their job is, and what they like to do rather than get to know you.

This is something easy to spot on the first date, so although they may be "cute," you should probably drop them if you leave your date and can recite everything about their life since the day they were born, yet they didn't catch what your last name was.

3. How they talk about other women.

THIS IS CRUCIAL FOR FINDING A NICE GUY. It does not matter who they're talking about, if they call their ex-girlfriend crazy we all know she probably isn't and if she is it's probably their fault. If they talk bad about their mom, let's be honest, if they're disrespecting their mother they're not going to respect you either. If they mention girl's physical appearances when describing them. For example, "yeah, I think our waitress is that blonde chick with the big boobs." Well if that doesn't hint they're a complete f* boy then I don't know what else to tell you. And most importantly calling other women "bitches" that's just disrespectful.

Needless to say, if his conversations are similar to ones you'd hear in a frat house, ditch him.

4. Phone etiquette.

If he can't put his phone down long enough to take you to dinner then he doesn't deserve for you to be sitting across from him. If a guy is serious about you he's going to give you his undivided attention and he's going to do whatever it takes to impress you and checking snapchat on a date is not impressive. Also, notice if his phone is facedown, then there's most likely a reason for it. He doesn't trust who or what could pop up on there and he clearly doesn't want you seeing. Although I'm not particularly interested in what's popping up on their phones, putting them face down says more about the guy than you think it does.

To reiterate, it's okay to be picky ladies, you're young, there's no rush. Remember these tips next time you're on a date or seeing someone, and keep in mind: they're on their best behavior when you're dating. Then ask yourself, what will they be like when they're comfortable? Years down the road? Is this what I really want? If you ask yourself these questions you might be down the same road I have stumbled upon, being too picky.. and that's better than settling. :)

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Four Ways Jess & Gabriel Conte Taught Me About Relationships

Jess and Gabe, thank you for teaching me much more about love than any romance novel or television program ever could.

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1. You Don't Have To Do Anything Physical on the First Date

Honestly, with how television and films shape your knowledge on how dating in high school and college is, I am surprised there are boys in this world that know that "hooking up" and having sex isn't a requirement of the first date. Having Tinder and Bumble at the swipe of your fingertip isn't of any assistance with preventing that idea, however, you would like to think that more than two percent of the male population understandings that the physicality of a relationship isn't the entire relationship. Gabe, however, is a perfect example that there are men in the world that accept and respect that you may not want to even kiss on the first date! Coming from a girl with very little experience in the dating and romance area, I really respect and have a lot of gratitude for boys, men, like that, because I feel much more comfortable going out and building a real connection with them. I think more boys should be learning this idea.

2. Dating is Something You Do Forever

We have this idea that you "talk" to someone, you "date", and then you're official with the person and you have your titles or relationship status and move forward from there. One aspect of relationships that Jess and Gabe taught me is so important is that you date forever. We see on television shows and romance movies that two people will go on dates until they become an "official" couple, and then the date nights are rare and made for special occasions or if there is a rift in the relationship. Going out on dates and having date nights with your significant other will only build your relationship and your friendship (which is so important) and allows you to learn more about your partner to better love and understand them. I think that if you are only saving a date night for an anniversary or if there is an argument, you are going to set your relationship up to fall apart because then you are settling into behaviors that aren't going to bring you closer to your partner - you're going to stick yourself into a plateau and that is where problems arise.

3. Have Faith and Remember That God Has a Plan

Jess and Gabe have taught me a lot about my faith. College hasn't always brought me closer to my faith and my belief in God (understanding His plan for me and why things went amuck sometimes made me question my faith altogether - What was I believing in if what I tried to do and what I really wanted never happened?). It's hard to see the bigger picture when relationships and dating and sex are all around you, and your morals and desires in life don't include half of what most (or how it appears to be) boys our age want. Add your family into the mixture asking why you haven't had a boyfriend or why you don't like anyone at school, and the pressure to have a relationship now - whether the boy is a respectable one or not - is overwhelming.

Understanding all of that and every other pressure influencing my ideas on a relationship, I started searching and searching, coming up empty handed every time, and I felt really discouraged. I couldn't understand how everyone was having relationships or seeming to find a person that was the perfect fit for them, and I couldn't find a boy that would talk to me for more than a week because he learned that I wouldn't have sex with him after knowing him for all of five minutes.

Jess and Gabe taught me that God has a bigger plan for me and my life. All of these boys that I have come across, all of the ones that have been rude, or disrespectful, or not cared for me, are all one more closer to the person that will respect me and my beliefs and my wants to have in a relationship.

4. Good Men Exist, Even If They Are Few and Far Between

Peace Out,

From Caitlin (and the Conteam).

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