If you haven't met him yet, you will. The "Where's my hug?" guy. He lurks around corners waiting for a woman he finds attractive to hug someone so he can swoop in, tipped fedora and all, to ask for his hug. After all, he deserves it, right?

Women everywhere have done the dips and dives to avoid him, but he's always there. As women we know how we feel when this happened. We feel uncomfortable and forced into a situation where saying no is rude but saying yes continues a cycle of discomfort that will not stop at us.

It's hard to imagine it. People like this are our friends, our family, we've all seen these transgressions and they're so seemingly minor that it's easy to overlook. "He's not being predatory, he's just a friend." "He's so nice, though." "He doesn't even realize he's doing it!"

This is the standard presentation of these types of predators. They are nice guys, they're your friends, and you feel obligated to treat them well. The truth is that there is no friend that has earned the right to make you uncomfortable.

"Oh, well, how can you tell if someone wants a hug?"

That's a valid question. Usually, even if they don't want it, they'll let you hug them. There are a lot of subtle clues that you can pick up on: avoidance of eyes, walking away, or being very quiet. It's much easier to just ask. "Are you comfortable with me giving you a hug?" is a perfect way to ask someone. It shows respect.

This isn't a one-way road. The point of this article isn't to demean men and tell them what they're doing wrong, it's to bring awareness to everyone. To anyone who feels uncomfortable in these situations, you have to tell them you're uncomfortable. If you continue to say nothing then nothing will change. The most important part of being in any group is feeling that you're in a safe place, so if someone makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to tell them, then tell someone you do feel safe with. Your friends are your best resources.

Imagine it as a car, heading towards you. You're standing alone in the path and it won't change course. When you're hit with a situation involving unwanted contact you can either let it hit you or you can move out of the way. It's okay to move out of the way if it means you feel safer.

Now, this is all contingent on a location. If you are surrounded by people, some of which you trust, then you're probably in a safe location to say no. That's to say, if you're alone in a subway and a man approaches you asking for a hug… that's a whole different article.

People don't like to think of themselves as predators. Calling out someone on their problematic behavior can be difficult, especially when that person doesn't think they've done anything wrong. "But, I'm such a nice guy!" Congrats. You're a Nice Guy. Being "nice" doesn't excuse predatory behavior. Being nice doesn't mean you're a good person. Good people do nice things, but nice people don't always do good things. You can let someone in or hold the door open for them and that's nice; but if do it because you are just ticking off a list of "nice" things in order to get laid, then you're not a good person. Think about The Good Place: nothing you do is considered "good" unless your motivations for it are pure. If your motivations are to come across as good in order to achieve a goal, then you're parading around an image of niceness while really harming those around you.

I've found in my life that the people who need to affirm their status as good people are generally the ones with the most to prove. These types of people are notorious for gaslighting. "Oh, I didn't know" "There's no way I did that" "I'm in no position to make you uncomfortable." I know a lot of people that annoy me or make me uncomfortable, but my line in the sand for whether they're a good person or not always comes with their reactions to being called out. If you call them out on their behavior and their first response is denial, they're not actually a good person.

There's no true end to the era of the "Where's my hug?" guy. He will exist as long as society breeds nonconfrontation. The first step is to put your foot down.

You don't get a hug anymore.