wheres my hug at the door
Start writing a post

"Where's My Hug?" At the Door

Facing the Nice Guy and telling him no.

"Where's My Hug?" At the Door

If you haven't met him yet, you will. The "Where's my hug?" guy. He lurks around corners waiting for a woman he finds attractive to hug someone so he can swoop in, tipped fedora and all, to ask for his hug. After all, he deserves it, right?

Women everywhere have done the dips and dives to avoid him, but he's always there. As women we know how we feel when this happened. We feel uncomfortable and forced into a situation where saying no is rude but saying yes continues a cycle of discomfort that will not stop at us.

It's hard to imagine it. People like this are our friends, our family, we've all seen these transgressions and they're so seemingly minor that it's easy to overlook. "He's not being predatory, he's just a friend." "He's so nice, though." "He doesn't even realize he's doing it!"

This is the standard presentation of these types of predators. They are nice guys, they're your friends, and you feel obligated to treat them well. The truth is that there is no friend that has earned the right to make you uncomfortable.

"Oh, well, how can you tell if someone wants a hug?"

That's a valid question. Usually, even if they don't want it, they'll let you hug them. There are a lot of subtle clues that you can pick up on: avoidance of eyes, walking away, or being very quiet. It's much easier to just ask. "Are you comfortable with me giving you a hug?" is a perfect way to ask someone. It shows respect.

This isn't a one-way road. The point of this article isn't to demean men and tell them what they're doing wrong, it's to bring awareness to everyone. To anyone who feels uncomfortable in these situations, you have to tell them you're uncomfortable. If you continue to say nothing then nothing will change. The most important part of being in any group is feeling that you're in a safe place, so if someone makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to tell them, then tell someone you do feel safe with. Your friends are your best resources.

Imagine it as a car, heading towards you. You're standing alone in the path and it won't change course. When you're hit with a situation involving unwanted contact you can either let it hit you or you can move out of the way. It's okay to move out of the way if it means you feel safer.

Now, this is all contingent on a location. If you are surrounded by people, some of which you trust, then you're probably in a safe location to say no. That's to say, if you're alone in a subway and a man approaches you asking for a hug… that's a whole different article.

People don't like to think of themselves as predators. Calling out someone on their problematic behavior can be difficult, especially when that person doesn't think they've done anything wrong. "But, I'm such a nice guy!" Congrats. You're a Nice Guy. Being "nice" doesn't excuse predatory behavior. Being nice doesn't mean you're a good person. Good people do nice things, but nice people don't always do good things. You can let someone in or hold the door open for them and that's nice; but if do it because you are just ticking off a list of "nice" things in order to get laid, then you're not a good person. Think about The Good Place: nothing you do is considered "good" unless your motivations for it are pure. If your motivations are to come across as good in order to achieve a goal, then you're parading around an image of niceness while really harming those around you.

I've found in my life that the people who need to affirm their status as good people are generally the ones with the most to prove. These types of people are notorious for gaslighting. "Oh, I didn't know" "There's no way I did that" "I'm in no position to make you uncomfortable." I know a lot of people that annoy me or make me uncomfortable, but my line in the sand for whether they're a good person or not always comes with their reactions to being called out. If you call them out on their behavior and their first response is denial, they're not actually a good person.

There's no true end to the era of the "Where's my hug?" guy. He will exist as long as society breeds nonconfrontation. The first step is to put your foot down.

You don't get a hug anymore.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments