When You Don't Know Why They Left | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Relationships

When You Don't Know Why They Left

An understanding of why someone might have given up on our friendship.

31
When You Don't Know Why They Left
Pexels

Something I have recently discovered: one of the hardest things about the human condition is forgiving yourself. This manifests itself most commonly in reconciling a broken relationship.

For example, when Tommy and I were in pre-marital counseling last year, one of the things the counselor asked us to discuss was our list of non-negotiables in our relationship. The one that instantly came to both of our minds was infidelity. I knew I was vowing to stay with him through whatever life threw at us, so I told him that if he ever cheated on me, I would try my hardest to forgive him and to try and make it work. I was honest with him though, and I confessed that I don’t know if I could do it. I don’t know if I am that strong. This conversation got me thinking: how would I feel if I was the one who did the cheating? What if I had cheated and he was willing to have me back and to try to make it work? I don’t know if I would be able to live with myself. I don’t know if I would be able to bear it. It’s very humbling to think about the fact that after committing one of the worst crimes against my husband, complete betrayal, he would choose to love me, to hold my hand, to make my morning coffee, and take me out to dinner anyway. Anyway. The part that makes me cringe is knowing what I have done, I would sit there and accept unconditional, truly unconditional love that I don’t deserve. I know what I would deserve in that situation. I would deserve to be separated from my husband, from the goodness. He obviously wouldn’t deserve to be rejected, but I wouldn’t deserve the forgiveness. I can’t bear the thought of being guilty and going free.

I believe THAT feeling is a reason why a lot of people leave and don’t come back. It’s not the people who were wronged that always leave, but the people who did the wronging leave too. They don’t come back to the relationship they left because they can’t bear forgiveness. They can’t forgive themselves. They know deep down they don’t deserve the relationship to be reconciled.

It is a task of pure humility to accept that which you don’t deserve, to accept life when you deserve death, especially when you know and feel the weight of the death you deserve. You cannot come into the Kingdom of God proudly. 

What I appreciate about God leading me through this understanding of the other side of the story is it has lead me to understand someone who left me. For years I felt rejected, defective, not worth investing in any longer. I thought constantly about what happened. I wracked my brain for some detail that would enlighten me as to the true issue in the relationship, for the real reason she turned her back and gave up on our friendship. I offered a tearful sorry to her even though I was clueless as to what I did. What other loose end was there that I couldn’t see? To this day I don’t know and I don’t think I will ever know for sure. But at least now I can fathom one possibility that makes a little sense. Maybe it was just too hard to look at the messy pieces of our friendship and commit to putting them back together with me, even after my apology. Maybe she felt like she didn’t deserve it. Maybe she couldn’t forgive herself because of the humility it takes to do that.

All of this has given me a new perspective on our God. I can imagine how hard it would be to forgive myself if I cheated on Tommy. It’s just near impossible to forgive oneself in general from personal mistakes. Reality is that I have to face my faults and sins if I want to accept God’s grace. But I also know what it feels like to hold a hand out in reconciliation to someone and have them walk away. Pain and rejection only inadequately describe the feeling. Imagine how our God feels when he extends his hand and offers you a blank slate, a white robe, and because you can’t bear the weight of your past, you reject him. That is some pride to elevate your sense of comfort to more important than life, more important than your relationship with the Creator. Who are we to do such a thing? What a God we have that he still gives us the choice to begin with.


I know not every story of someone leaving fits the bill I have described. But if someone ever gave up on you and you just can't figure out why, maybe it has to do with what I have come to believe. Forgiving yourself is hard. Accepting forgiveness that you don't deserve is hard. Making a relationship work after you have contributed to wrecking it is hard, because it takes Godly humility and selflessness to pick up the pieces. Those things aren't easy to do. Even if you might think the other person did the wrong thing by walking away, maybe you can find some peace in understanding how hard it would be to stay.
Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Entertainment

Every Girl Needs To Listen To 'She Used To Be Mine' By Sara Bareilles

These powerful lyrics remind us how much good is inside each of us and that sometimes we are too blinded by our imperfections to see the other side of the coin, to see all of that good.

147301
Every Girl Needs To Listen To 'She Used To Be Mine' By Sara Bareilles

The song was sent to me late in the middle of the night. I was still awake enough to plug in my headphones and listen to it immediately. I always did this when my best friend sent me songs, never wasting a moment. She had sent a message with this one too, telling me it reminded her so much of both of us and what we have each been through in the past couple of months.

Keep Reading...Show less
Zodiac wheel with signs and symbols surrounding a central sun against a starry sky.

What's your sign? It's one of the first questions some of us are asked when approached by someone in a bar, at a party or even when having lunch with some of our friends. Astrology, for centuries, has been one of the largest phenomenons out there. There's a reason why many magazines and newspapers have a horoscope page, and there's also a reason why almost every bookstore or library has a section dedicated completely to astrology. Many of us could just be curious about why some of us act differently than others and whom we will get along with best, and others may just want to see if their sign does, in fact, match their personality.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

20 Song Lyrics To Put A Spring Into Your Instagram Captions

"On an island in the sun, We'll be playing and having fun"

36455
Person in front of neon musical instruments; glowing red and white lights.
Photo by Spencer Imbrock on Unsplash

Whenever I post a picture to Instagram, it takes me so long to come up with a caption. I want to be funny, clever, cute and direct all at the same time. It can be frustrating! So I just look for some online. I really like to find a song lyric that goes with my picture, I just feel like it gives the picture a certain vibe.

Here's a list of song lyrics that can go with any picture you want to post!

Keep Reading...Show less
Chalk drawing of scales weighing "good" and "bad" on a blackboard.
WP content

Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.

We are all born to do something great. Whether that be to grow up and become a doctor and save the lives of thousands of people, run a marathon, win the Noble Peace Prize, or be the greatest mother or father for your own future children one day. Regardless, we are all born with a purpose. But in between birth and death lies a path that life paves for us; a path that we must fill with something that gives our lives meaning.

Keep Reading...Show less
Health and Wellness

10 Hygiene Tips For All College Athletes

College athletes, it's time we talk about sports hygiene.

32303
Woman doing pull-ups on bars with sun shining behind her.

I got a request to talk about college athletes hygiene so here it is.

College athletes, I get it, you are busy! From class, to morning workouts, to study table, to practice, and more. But that does not excuse the fact that your hygiene comes first! Here are some tips when it comes to taking care of your self.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments