I hadn’t known afflicted until I watched him shaking uncontrollably while sweating the demons out of his pores during withdrawal. I hadn’t known convicted until I had to watch him sob while receiving the news that he would be sent away to treatment by the courts, otherwise potential jail time. I hadn’t known addicted until I watched him lose all interest in everything that he had once loved before he met his monster. Chemical dependency sucked the soul right out of him. Drugs controlled every thought, action and waking moment of his life.

I used to know someone who could brighten up my entire day with just one smile. I could once look into his eyes and be gazing into the epitome of sincerity. He possessed vivacity that everyone whom he graced with his presence was drawn to. He was blessed with athletic talent accompanied by a fiery passion that shone through everything he put his energy into. I used to know someone who would drop everything just to talk me through a bad day, someone who would stick up for his family until his last days and, above all things, wanted to make them proud. I was trapped into standing by and watching someone, who was endowed with so much potential, throw everything good that he had away for a high — a high that he will spend the rest of his life scraping the ground for. He will try to find lasting happiness at the pit of a pill bottle or filled in a syringe, only to find that he will forever be unsatisfied with his endless search. I was trapped into watching someone whom I unconditionally adored, looked up to even, transform into nothing but a shell of a human. It’s shocking, really, how much can be destroyed — virtually irreparable — all beginning with one little pill.

It’s been a difficult feat for me, attempting to understand the concept of coping with life’s hardships by drowning them in alcohol or popping a capsule to mute the pain. I have been raised with the idea that this life was given to me intentionally to prove how strong I truly could be in overcoming the adversities. With this mindset, falling in love with someone that is chemically dependent was the most challenging obstacle that life has thrown at me thus far. Struggling with no unshakable bad habits of my own, addiction is a condition that required a strenuous amount of patience and understanding in order to wrap my mind around. I had always thought, “If people know something is harmful and they want to stop doing it, why don’t they simply stop doing it?” Now, after witnessing two years of it gripping its greedy clutches on my loved one’s soul, I realize that it is far more complex than I had initially thought.

From my experience viewing from the sidelines, it is safe to say that drugs can turn someone into an unrecognizable creature.

First, the changes begin to show physically: faces being sunken in and bony while covered in skin that no longer radiates. Instead, complexions appear more ashen and ghostly than human. I noticed this about my lost soul’s features when he began using. His normal vibrancy and optimism were replaced with blankness and irritability. He distanced himself from every person who tried to help him, including me.

Sleeping became his newest favorite hobby and a sudden, peculiar illness would conveniently come over him when his temporary pleasure wore off. I noticed an underhanded shift in his actions: hiding his phone when it went off, having secret meetings with suspicious individuals and secluding himself much more than he ever had. He would steal anything that he could get his hands on to exchange for drugs. Lying became another skill to add to his growing immoral resume. Sometimes I wonder if he can even distinguish the lies from the truth anymore, or whether he can remember telling them at all.

I have dwelled many nights thinking about the pain that he has inflicted on those who care about him. Does he even give a second thought about his mother, who is kept up at night worried sick about whether or not her lost little boy will survive another day? Does he even shudder at how much he has scarred me — making me unable to unsee what has already been seen and unfeel all of the feelings of anger, guilt and helplessness that have been so deeply felt?

The best way I can describe it is as a suicide-homicide. Watching someone kill themselves, day by day, which, in turn, kills me inside too. Substance abuse is not a one-person action. It affects all who are involved in it. At that moment in time, the addict takes nothing else into consideration other than his or her own instant gratification. Thoughts of their future, consequences of the law, risks to their health and the feelings of those close to them are disregarded as they float around in a daze or focus on that rush. To them, it seems to be the only escape route from inner pain to numbness.

I now know somebody who has made my world crumble. I know someone who traded in A’s for F’s while swapping out school for a treatment center for a second time around. I know someone who is being watched by the law, their freedom restricted by answering to a probation officer and the court system. I know someone who lost his spot on the team that he belonged to playing the game that he used to breathe for. I now see a lost soul seemingly forgetting of all the ambitions and goals that we used to fantasize about for hours on end. Even worse, I know someone who has replaced the pill bottle with a needle. It seems that he will go to any extreme to try to kill the demons he holds inside not realizing that he is feeding them instead. I know someone who abandoned his family to live a life with no secure home. I know someone who doesn’t even know who he is: brain cells, pleasure centers, memories and personality draining and dissipating along the way. It really is mind-blowing that it all can begin with one little pill.

If you are someone who has had to helplessly watch a loved one succumb to addiction, please, above all else, know that it isn't your fault — no matter how much it feels like it is at the time. You are only one person, and regardless of how much you care about someone, you are never obligated to hold the burden of saving their life. You have yourself to save.