Being a dreamer is not easy because when reality hits, it hits like a truck. To dreamers such as myself, I have got to say, "Don't stop dreaming but when reality hits, take it like a champ."
When I was young girl sitting in front of my old fashioned desktop computer in the living room applying to colleges 7,000 miles away, I was excited. I was very excited. I dreamt of living on my own in distant land where nobody knows my name or my story. Somewhere I could be anybody I wanted to be or even better, I could finally be me.
I would be going on all these fantastic road trips. I would fly to a place that I have never seen before during every break. I would be partying till the dawn and drinking mimosas for breakfast. I would get straight A's while working two jobs (one that pays well and one that helps others) and being involved in half a dozen clubs.
I would go to the gym at least four times a week (because obviously everyday is not a realistic expectation). I would start learning how to cook and prove it to my parents once and for all that I can cook if I want to but I just don’t want to. I would decorate my room to my heart’s desire and keep it a little cleaner than the socially acceptable amount. The birds would sing, and the clouds would always shy away.
Yes, I was dreaming. The world was mine to conquer.
BANG! BOOM! OUCHH! SLAM!
Then, life happened.
Initially, I typed out the words “have realistic expectations” as my advice. Then I wrinkled my eyes and asked myself, “Nujhat, do you really believe that?”
Chapter One: First Trip
I was planning my first real trip for winter break. I wanted to go someplace warmer. Maybe Morocco or Mexico. On October 22, I got to know my grandfather passed away while I was coloring my hair blue at a salon.
It was quite the strangest feeling in the world. My mother lost her father. My grandmother lost her husband. I lost my grandfather. And I thought coloring my hair would have been the most significant thing of the day.
It was so sudden. I did not know how to react. I have never had someone close to me pass away before. I have never even been to a funeral! I knew my grandfather was, one day, going to pass away but I never even imagined that I would not have been there for it. I could not even fathom that I was not there for my mother, for my family. That they were lacking a shoulder to cry on. I couldn’t even leave because it would take $2,000 and almost 24 hours to fly home. His body would have been buried by the time I even reached the airport.
I was all alone, 7,000 miles away from home, 7,000 miles away from where people know me, know my grandfather.
I was exactly where I have always wanted to be but there was nothing more that I wanted than to run away.
But I didn’t. I went to class, to work, to the gym. I ate, I prayed, I laughed aloud with my friends. But, I felt so empty, so directionless. On a sidenote, huge shout out to Brian Ramirez and Cecilia Schirmeister for anchoring me afloat at a time I was struggling to keep my head above water.
On December 14, first day of winter break, I was on a plane back home.
My first semester was nothing like what I had expected.
I had so many naïve expectations but reality hit like a dagger from the back.
Chapter Two: Parties and Mimosas
Yes, I partied till dawn and no, there were no mimosas. I had fruit punch with grey goose at best.
But I did have mimosas with a friend and her lovely family for thanksgiving as we sat by the fire on a cold November night. I continue to be so thankful for that moment that I would never prefer mimosas any other way.
Chapter Three: Life
When I got my first job that pays well, I went crazy. I realized the number of hours that I take will directly increase the number of digits in my bank account. I bit on more than I could chew: I signed up for way more hours than I could handle.
Also, for the first time in my life, I was stressed with school work. Not because I did not want to study but because I did not have the time to study. My grades started falling. I was struggling to keep my commitments to the club that I was involved in. I was always on the verge of mental breakdowns.
I became a crazy-caffeine infused- monster.
My boyfriend commented that I am cheating on him with my job. I joked, "If I don't work, whose going to pay the mortgage?”
My entire life, I thought I could do it all. Sadly, nobody ever told me that there aren’t enough hours in a day.
I cooked if you consider microwaving leftover takeout food cooking. I went to the gym once a month, or even less. My room was an all time mess and looked like a jail cell. My immune system is like an old tractor: surviving but not really working, would trade it in if I could.
On the flip side, I had the ability to fund two trips for myself to places I have never seen before in just six months.
Chapter Four: Road trip
I wanted to go on countless road trips but reality gave me one.
I was with my best girlfriends. We were rapping to ‘Monster’ and we missed the exit. As the sun graced us with its rare presence peaking through my measly opened window on a cold morning, we all simultaneously lost charge on our devices.
And I thought, “To die by your side, the pleasure, the privilege is mine.”
A million road trips could never own up to this one.
Last chapter
No, I do not. I don’t believe one should have realistic expectations.
Because what is reality anyway if not the impossible?
I was expecting a lot of things from myself. This article shows how such expectations actually turned out to be in reality. A lot different than I expected. Sometimes, a lot better than I ever expected.
And then there were things that I was not expecting. Things that were not supposed to happen, things that I didn’t want to happen and then the worst, things I possibly could not have imagined in my worst nightmare.
There was nothing wrong with my expectations. There is nothing wrong with planning ahead for college, or for life. It is reality who is at fault here. It keeps on beating me up. And its going to beat you up as well.
Reality is going to shock you, belittle and hurt you. But it will also going to appease you, surprise you, and humor you.
My advice is take the good and the bad like a champ.
