I have always felt like a loner. Ever since I started middle school, I realized it was hard to fit in. I would always try to put myself at a place where I could blend in with the more popular kids, but it never seemed to have worked. I remember numerous occasions where the popular kids at my middle school would turn me down, because of how "banana" or "whitewashed" I was. The popular kids I wanted to blend in with were a group of Asian kids who seemed to always get good grades and could never flaunt enough of their parents' background. It was clear to me that I wasn't enough for them. And it did kind of hurt, given the fact that I have tried so hard to fit in with them and become one of them.
I look back to these days, whenever I question my identity and the reason why it was so difficult to have actual friends who I can blend in well until recently. People have always told me that friends come and go, but I have yet to see that happen. Being a loner has always felt like a label. I knew I wasn't meant to not have many friends but it started to dawn on me that there is a time and place for everything and maybe, that time wasn't the best.
It wasn't until recently this year, that I began to realize who my friends really are. I have had my high school friends by my side for almost 5-6 years now and I am always so grateful we are able to have such a long lasting friendship. When I went to college, I was friendless for quite a while and drifting through different people, trying to find my place. But soon, I found my niche of two amazing friends, who were always so supportive and there for me at my worst. This is when I realized that I am capable of having friends. Friends is not a foreign word to me anymore.
Making friends is like waiting at the train stop. Sometimes it may come slow, sometimes it may come fast. You can only predict when it will happen to a certain point or even not at all. It depends on when the train (or friends in this case) comes. And the train stop is sometimes empty or sometimes filled with people waiting for the train (friends) to take them on their next journey. Sometimes we feel too desperate to get on the train and I think that was where I was at until now. I was waiting at the train stop for days, skipping meals, sacrificing sleep. It felt like almost an eternity until I realized that when it comes, it will come.
I hope that the next time I go to the train stop, I don't forget the lesson I learned about being too desperate for the train. It will make its stop but will only take some time before it does so. But when it does, the joy of being able to go on the train will overhaul us with a great, satisfying emotion that will be hard for us to ever forget.
