I'm sure I'm not the first one to say that I sometimes don't feel like I belong in college. I know I sound like a broken record (especially if you've read some of my other articles) but having a learning disability doesn't help when you walk through those doors into a higher education. Sometimes I feel like I'm just here because I've been doing this thing since I was in pre-school. It's just natural to go onto college and quite possibly graduate school. I've literally been in school for nineteen years - how crazy is that? And when I graduated from high school, I went straight to college.There were no breaks, no years off. I feel like I've been doing laps in Olympic swimming for years without coming up to breathe. Do I need time to reflect? Do I have to think about what I really want?
I've always assumed that college was what I wanted to do. And unfortunately, higher education is almost always the choice when you want to do what I want to do - which is English. I'm an English Literature major with a minor in creative writing, and all I want to do, is be a freelance writer, perhaps publish a novel one day, and maybe pay off all those bills by being a creative writing professor. Sometimes I wish I didn't have so many passions, or that the things I want to be require so much school. I wish, I wish, I wish . . .
I've been told by professors or administrators of the college that they have heard students say that the only reason that they are in school is because of their parents. That's kind of sad, if you think about it. If a person doesn't want to go to school, that's not really an option for some, mainly because of their parents and what they "think is the best for their children". It is kind of suffocating in fact.
So here I am, wondering what in the world I am going to do with my life. I look around and wonder "am I truly happy right now?" or is it all just clouded by the temporary stress that is class? Or perhaps I'm not taking the right classes? It's all so confusing and you never truly know. I just hope that someday, soon, I will be struck with an epiphany or some sort of realization of what will make me happy. I feel like I don't belong here, or that I'm too stupid for college. I know that's the negative voice in my head, and if you're reading this and can relate to it, you're totally nodding right now going "yes, yes this is me". I feel you. I'm right there with you, and I wish I had the answers to everything, but that is the so called beauty of life - having to figure out the answers ultimately all on your own. Don't you hate that? I want someone to guide me with all of my decisions and tell me that I'm making the right choice, but there isn't always going to be that. I don't want to mess my life up.
At the end of the day, I basically feel like I'm doing all of these things to please others and not for myself. Yes, I know that's completely wrong, but I can't help it. It's been programmed into my brain since I was a little kid and I can't seem to stop the cycle. Even though I'm not sure what I'm doing right now or what is going to happen next (and that thought terrifies me) I know one thing is for sure: I want to be happy. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I sure hope that is the end game.
