Trying to be a "good girl" sucks.
We're told to always be on our best behavior.
Be social, but not too social so you have balance in your life.
To smile, be polite, and not do things that always keep the spotlight on us.
To find your niche or your team or your people and stick with them. Then, everything will turn out okay. You'll have your close friends and acquaintances you wouldn't mind being close with.
Well, I guess I missed the f**king seminar on "How to Make Close Friends". Or maybe I never got an invitation to begin with.
I've never really been the popular kid. I didn't get invited to a lot of birthday parties or sleepovers or public outings growing up, from elementary to high school. I'm not used to seeing the little notification on your smartphone that tells you that you've got a text message or have been tagged in something.
And that never really bothered me...or rather, I told myself it wouldn't bother me.
Now, here I am, 21 years old, in my Junior year of college, in the honors program, with a scholarship, taking part in so many things...
I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I focus on my studies, I try to be as polite as possible, to be a "good girl..."
I've never felt so isolated in my life.
There are all these news articles and blogs that stress the importance of not getting so tied up in the number of followers or "friends" you have, but in today's society, it's so hard not to. It's hard not to get a little rush of joy when someone tags you in a post or sends you a snapchat or a text message at 2 a.m. with some random meme because it means: "Yes, someone was thinking about me."
Having the complete opposite of this is like sitting at the end of the dinner table: you're both there and you're not.
You can hear the conversations, you can see the other people around you talking and laughing, but you're not actually involved.
All those people who go out every Friday night, drinking or just wasting time or not taking their responsibilities as seriously as they should that your betters tell you not to be like?
They always seem to be happier, having the time of their lives with friends.
I don't know, maybe my personality and interests are just terrible or I'm over thinking everything and this is all just me venting.
But I feel like I'm asking a legitimate question, addressing a feeling I'm sure everyone has felt at some point in their lives.
How, we can do everything "right," do everything in our power to play by the rules and be a good teammate, and still feel like we're failing.
That no matter how hard we try to be more sociable, we're still at the end of the dinner table.
Waiting for someone to finally turn to us and catch us up on all the things we've missed.