If you're like me, you experience seasonal allergies. I didn't always have allergies. I remember a time when I used to frolic in the meadows and sing in the breeze, and I didn't have to drain my nasal passages every five seconds. Life was good. It was simpler back then, but my body decided to turn against me.
Soon, what was once a beautiful sign of new life became deadly. Any gust of wind from the outside carrying plant matter slams into my face like freight train A heading towards Tucson at 65 mph, encountering freight train B heading in the opposite direction on the same track at 50 mph. It's disastrous, I suffer greatly, and the crash happens approximately 125 miles away from freight train A's point of origin.
I can't even look at myself anymore, but that's mostly because my eyes are swollen and I can't see. I cry myself to sleep every night because of allergy-induced tears. Sometimes it's real tears, but you can't tell. Having been through the grueling experience of seasonal allergies for the last few years, I've come up with a few ways to avoid the complete death that is new plant life wafting through the air.
1. Don't Go Outside
Just don't. There's really no need to. Call off your appointments, contact your coworkers, alert your friends and family. Tell them that your time has come... at least for a few months.
2. Drugs
If you must go outside, drug yourself up. You might not be able to function properly, but you'll be able to see and breathe.
3. Bring Supplies
There may be a moment when everything seems fine, and the next you're writhing on the ground and sneezing uncontrollably. Always have tissues, more drugs, and probably a gas mask handy to tackle random pollen attacks.
4. Run
In some instances, you'll see the pollen cloud before it hits you. In those cases, you can run to the nearest shelter. Don't get caught in the green dust! RUN!
5. Live Elsewhere
To avoid allergies altogether, you could just move somewhere where there are no seasons. Examples include but are not limited to the following: Antarctica, the middle of the Pacific Ocean, a coffin, outer space.
6. Carry a Fan
Every time some type of allergen gets close to you, you can blow it away with an industrial-sized fan. You may want to check with your workplace to see if it's okay to bring.
7. Carry a Gun
Thank goodness we live in America, or how else would you be able to carry a gun with you? If a fan isn't up your alley, you can blow away those allergens in another way. Maybe shoot up the local forest and show 'em who's bawse.
8. Sleep
If you're asleep, you cannot feel the allergens attacking you. In a time of need, inject yourself with a tranquilizer and let Mr. Sandman carry you off to dreamland. If you can hibernate for a few months, it's even better.
9. Live in a Bubble
Like the classic 2001 film starring a young, spry Jake Gyllenhaal, you can wrap yourself in a plastic bubble and live like that for the rest of your life. It'll take a lot of plastic, but you can pretend to be a hamster.
10. Face It
Some people say that continuous exposure to these allergens will eventually help your body build up enough defenses to stop being dumb. Well, I call bull, because I'm also allergic to apples, and I'm not about to close my throat up in order to build defenses. But you do you!
Allergies blow, just like your nose! They come, and they go, and they come again. The best thing you can do is be prepared when things get bad, and just deal when things are just slightly annoying. Or you can feign having as actual sickness so you don't have to leave your bed, and you can stream "Scandal" on Netflix. That's what I do!
