It's that time of year again. All the college students have been moving back to school and posting pictures of each step along the way (especially the freshman). I love it! I'm so excited for each student, especially some of the kids I've watched grow up or who I've been around in my past school experiences. But despite how excited I really do feel for them, there's a little (sometimes big) pang in my heart each time I see new pictures these students are posting. For some reason, it hurts to not be moving to school myself.

Because of the different aspects of my illness (physical, mental, and emotional), my school journey has been rocky. I've always been a straight-A student, and for most of my life, school had been easy for me. But as I got sicker, my brain function decreased dramatically, and in some ways, I've fought to keep up. My senior year, I had to forsake taking the SAT again in December, because I was in so much pain and so exhausted. I dropped a class for the spring semester, because I couldn't handle it post-surgery. I took a gap year after graduating, because I couldn't go to college yet. Last year, I tried moving to school, and I had to come home before the semester was even over. Now, I'm anxious over just the two online classes I’m enrolled in. When reading or writing for an hour makes you nauseous, exhausted, and dizzy, the idea of school is more than intimating.

It's an odd paradox -- fighting jealousy in your heart over something you don't even want. I want to stay home and do online school. I know it's the best option for my health, and it's a great fit for my introverted personality. So, why the jealousy? I think it's simply the knowledge that other people are doing something amazing that I simply cannot fathom having the strength to do.

I think for many spoonies, jealousy and frustration (and downright anger, too) are huge struggles we face, even if we never would have anticipated these heart-struggles pre-illness. I don't think it's so much about "I wish I was moving to college" as "I wish I was healthy, too." Things like high school or college educations, full-time jobs, or even drivers' licenses...they all can seem so unattainable depending on where we are in our journeys. We have a sometimes-constant stream of "If I wasn't sick" thoughts. If I wasn't sick, I'd be a junior in college by now. If I wasn't sick, I could work full-time, too. If I wasn't sick, maybe I could be living on my own. If I wasn't sick, I could stay out later. If I wasn't sick, I could eat that, too. If I wasn't sick, I could exercise more, so maybe I'd like my body better. If I wasn't sick, I wouldn't have to worry about x, y, or z...etc., etc., etc. And these thoughts are so difficult to stop or fight off.

So, what should we do? I honestly don't know for sure. I'm finding that what helps the most is to first, be frustrated or jealous. I don't sit in emotions well. I tend to scold myself with a "you shouldn't feel this" and try to move on. But someone recently told me responding that way usually just makes us focus on those feelings more. It's much healthier to feel the feeling and then let it go. So, I try to feel it. I admit that it's hard to be in the place I'm in. But then I thank God for the opportunities I do have, the progress I am seeing, and I pray through the emotions I don't want to feel anymore. I try to let it go, and if I can't, I sit with it some more. I say this like I do it perfectly. I promise I don't. It's a constant battle, one that sometimes leaves me teary-eyed. But I'm trying. I'm learning.

I do find comfort in always coming back to the Sovereignty of God. He has placed me exactly where I need to be, where I can be the person He wants me to be and where I can glorify Him the most. I don't understand why I'm on the journey I'm on. Some days, I would give a lot to not be where I am in life. But I know that He is good, I know that His plan is best, and I know that there is purpose in these illnesses. He is crafting a story so much more beautiful than my wildest imaginations, and He is carrying me through each day.

This chapter is in North Carolina, not away at school. But this chapter includes some online classes, a less-than-part-time job, and the most amazing best friend I could ask for. It includes living with my family and getting to do life with them and spending more time with them than I'd have if I wasn't living at home. This chapter includes learning and growing as well as writing, sharing, encouraging, teaching, and helping...and those are things that make my heart sing. And ultimately, His grace is my heartsong, and this chapter includes more grace. Always more grace.