"You have to love yourself before you can love another."

I don't know who first coined the phrase, but the above quote seems to be ever relevant, and has thus rung in my ears for as long as I can remember. However, despite its prevalence, I didn't really understand its profoundness until recently. In fact, it was almost riddle-like at first.

Perhaps it was the inner turmoil that plagues much of childhood, especially adolescence, that left me dumbfounded at how my own insecurities could possibly get in the way of my capacity to love others. As a teen, social acceptance is at the absolute forefront, whilst self-esteem rides way in the back of the bus. This left me feeling like being a part of as many "friends" as possible was the only solution to my insecurities; in fact, insecurities and self-hate were what made genuine friendships so difficult to cultivate.

The realization that it is absolutely impossible to love another when you don't love yourself came to me when I was 18 (right on cue). It wasn't because I finished high school, or got over puberty, or "grew up." It was because I became depressed, and when I needed friends most, I lost them all. I thought I was crying out for the camaraderie I needed, but in reality I was inadvertently pushing everyone away. I didn't know how to treat myself, so I didn't recognize when I was treating others poorly.

Further, in romantic relationships I had no clue how to demand respect when I didn't respect myself. A primary aspect of self love is self awareness. Knowing your needs and desires, having intent with your priorities and understanding the difference between being selfish and being responsible, are all acts of self love because together they act as a catalyst to becoming the best version of yourself. For a time, my ideal self seemed unattainable because I didn't feel I deserved to be any better than the disease-to-the-world I let myself think I'd become. Pathetic or justified, I was stuck in a mindset that held me back from my potential, and thus was doing a disservice to my character. So if a guy clashed with who I am as a person for whatever reason, it didn't matter. Who I was as a person didn't matter.

When it comes to finding a significant other, it is simply impossible to identify compatibility if you've lost all the reasons to be proud of who you naturally are. Many feel that lasting relationships come from the kind of love that makes your heart race, or makes you want to be next to the person all the time. This is, of course, part of it, but I think the deepest love is the kind that can recognize faults, deal with them and come out stronger.

To quote Nicholas Spark's "The Notebook," "You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a b***h and I tell you when you're being a pain in the a**!" Noah goes on to say it's going to be hard, but that's what he wants, because Allie is what he wants. Sappiness aside, there's a lesson here about loving someone. When you're willing to work with them, to value their strengths and help mature their weaknesses, you are loving someone deeply and completely. But that isn't the entire picture.

We have to be able to do this for ourselves, too. When we make a mistake, when we have shortcomings, it doesn't obliterate all of the good we have to offer the world. It doesn't have to become an overwhelming insecurity. It can be something we are aware of without letting it destroy our self-esteem, and only when we have truly come to terms with this in ourselves can we extend that offer to someone else.

Not loving myself didn't just give me an unhealthy need for gratification, it didn't simply cause me to treat others badly, it didn't only make living to my full potential impossible. Not loving myself stripped me of the right to look into someone's eyes and say I love them unconditionally. It took away the privilege of being able to identify when something had the potential to be lasting, and what aspects of a person's character I need most.

In short, not loving myself meant not being capable of loving someone else the way I dream of being loved. And that is why the loss of self love is one no heartbreak could ever equate to. It plagues an entire future by stealing the bonds the make humanity so powerful.

Humans need each other, but we need to embrace ourselves first.