Oh, Halloween. As a big proponent of teenage angst and all black clothing, Halloween is easily one of my favorite holidays to see line the walls of Hobby Lobby as early as July. As a child, it was a month’s supply of candy and getting to show off my nerd. As a teenager, it was to see how anti-mainstream I could be.
When I was in elementary school I was Hermione Granger three years in a row for Halloween and if I could’ve fit in the costume longer I probably would’ve worn it for years later. (Not that I was growing with any real fervency, but come on, three years is a solid lifespan for a robe.) Anyway, if I’m being honest, I liked to imagine that I embodied the spirit of Hermione Granger every other day of the year as well. I mean, she was wildly intelligent, crazy loyal, and once she started loosening up with her dedication to the rules just enough to keep things interesting, she was a total badass. Who wouldn’t want to be Hermione Granger?
My antithesis to all things mainstream reached its height when, one 33º Halloween I decided I would be ‘warm’ for Halloween and went trick-or-treating with my brother in my ski jacket and sweats and an obnoxious fuzzy hat.
I think Halloween is great, I really do. I understand the appeal of trying to be someone you’re not one night a year with your best friends and having a good time. But when do the masks come off?
When I was on my college search, every school I looked at had one thing in common: I wouldn’t know a single person going in, and more importantly, no one would know me. I could be whoever I wanted to be, and there is a lot of freedom within that, but, unfortunately, that is a very easy freedom to abuse.
When I came to college, I was no longer looking to embody Hermione Granger. I would be the quiet girl in class, I told myself. I would actually try to look presentable every day, I told myself. I would make more friends and hang out with people and try the whole social thing, I told myself. I can honestly say none of that lasted more than a week. By nature, I’m only quiet when its not socially acceptable, and I definitely do not have the energy to wear anything other than t-shirts nine days out of ten. My first semester was quite a show. I was constantly disappointing myself with my inability to change into who I thought I should be, i.e. who I thought would be more well-liked.
Halloween is no longer quite as fun for me, because as the costumes become more and more exorbitant, the time allotted for planning becomes a bit more overwhelming. I don’t mean to sound wildly cliché, but it's a pain in the butt to be someone you’re not. I have slightly tweaked my ideas since coming to college. I haven’t exactly figured out who I am, but I have a more realistic idea of who I want to be. I want to play on my own strengths, not try to shrink them to fit into a prettier box. I desire to be better instead of different.
College should not be this lovely bubble of like-minded people,but rather a place to grow through conflicting opinions, ideas, and behaviors. The more we try to assimilate to each other, the less we gain from the experience.
