To my dearest Nicolasso,

Do you remember that time we took Mr. Rodriguez’s scooter and you crashed it into the bush behind school and we came forward that the next day, so he decided to just get himself a brand new car and thanked us for telling him?

It turns out that he knew even though we made a mistake of taking his scooter, he was more concerned of our safety and well-being. I still am jealous he came to your graduation and not mine. He promises he will make it when I get my butterbars.

Or that time we went to Court Street Bridge and decided to shoot it up using your BB gun and pretend we were infiltrating a secret compound where they were keeping Cindy Crawford hostage? I am keeping your poster, by the way.

Or do you remember when I called you to tell you that I was coming home because I just didn’t want anything out of life and didn’t want to follow in the same footsteps anymore? I still can remember the butt chewing and smoke show you handed to me because of how disappointed you were that I was giving up the dream to be like him, which we had dreamed off since we were young ones, and I had been bustin’ my can with many sleepless studying nights and countless hours on the phone with you waking up every hour to make sure I had finished all my homework.

I can’t remember a time where you weren’t in my life. Every step I took, you were right by me. Every leap came you hoppin’ along right with me. Every struggle that came a failure, you happened to know the right words to say to make failing okay. Then, you would tell me to quit complaining and keep pushing forward. Every success that endured, I could hear you hollerin’ and clappin’ from miles away.

Now, I have to realize that you aren’t going to be there every time I struggle or fail when trying to move along with what we had planned. Now, I have to accept that I won’t be able to call you and have you drop everything for me. Now, I have to accept that there is a less good in the world because you aren’t in it.

I wish that I could you that I am so mad you right now for leaving me here. To have you not right next to me fighting right with me for this plan. I wish I could tell you that I hate you for leaving me out to dry and deciding not to continue on with me, Leilani, Mya and Rosalie. I never thought I could feel my heart breaking until I had to tell Mya and Rosalie that daddy wasn’t going to be home anymore. I wish I could say that I hate you for making me do that.

Everything I feel, I know it’s because I am in pain. Everything I say, I know it’s because I am in mourning. Everything that I’m thinking, I wish I knew all the right answers and the right things to say. I don’t. I don’t because what I would say to you is that I wish you were here. I wish that I could see that scruffy face looking like an ugly run down Paul Walker body double calling me every morning to make sure I am at the gym or studying hard to make sure that I finish my dual degree on time. I wish that I could have gone to group with you and listened in on all the bad memories you have held in the back of your head all these years, so that I could take even more of your pain.

What I will say because I know you’re listening — you secret angel spy you — is: Thank you. Thank you for being my big brother. Thank you for putting up with my unpredictable and crazy self. Thank you for blessing me to be your little sister because when everyone else was only telling me what to do and how to feel, you were the only one to ask me how you could help me make this dream become a reality. Thank you for allowing me to come sit in with you in one of your group sessions to just listen about all the memories you had shared whether it had been good, bad, or ugly and opening up to how you were really feeling. I could never have felt the pain you were going through, but I am glad that you let me share the pain with you. I wish I could’ve took more. Thank you for never giving up on me even when you hid giving up on yourself.

I only hope that you will still be with me in spirit, mind, body, and soul. I love you. Always.

With love,

Your little sister.

If you are grieving from losing a loved one to suicide, then please reach out to others. You are not alone. If you are in constant battle to live or die, then please confide in someone. You are not alone.