Disclaimer: I know people keep telling me I should just let it all go and forget it ever happened. But I can’t, I don’t have it in me as a person. I still have a lot of feelings over all of this, so if you can’t respect that, just don’t read this piece.

I talked to you the other day, for the first time in a few months, and let me tell you, it was not a happy reunion. See, the thing is, I found you were still trying to mess up my life, and it hurt a lot. I decided I was done letting you walk all over me and that it was time for me to stand up for myself. Alas, when I finally came face to face with you, my anxiety and fear rendered me unable to speak very much. Not only did I walk away, but when I texted you later there were so many things I left unsaid. I don’t care if you ever read this, but these are things I finally need to say to you.

I wasn’t the problem

From what I hear, that’s what you like to tell people these days, that I dumped you because I'm heartless and that everything between us was fine. That I’m a pathological liar and I like to lie about why we broke up. But you and I both know what happened that night, and I am more positive about it being completely on you than I am anything else.

I still don’t understand why it happened

Everything between us was going really well, so honestly it was the shock of a lifetime. I thought we would date for a good amount of time if I’m being honest, because there were so many amazing moments between us. I guess it just goes to show that every big high, has a devastating fall. Hopefully someday I get some clarity as to why things happened the way they did, but for now I just have to keep moving forward.

I told very few people all of what happened.

Up until a week ago, I was trying to protect you, and your image. I knew that the friends you had, and those you were in the process of making, meant a lot to you. I didn’t want you to lose them, so I kept quiet. I didn’t want to tell anyone, because for a long time, I didn’t want anyone thinking I wanted them to think badly of you. At this point though, I’ll let them all form their own opinions, but I am not going to hold back the truth.

I still miss you.

This one is probably the hardest to admit. I grew to rely on you. I know we were only together officially for a month, but we were friends before that and you never hesitated to be there for me, hell one night you left a party because I was having a rough night that only having someone beside me could fix. I miss feeling safe with you, but now every time I think of you I don’t feel safe anymore. I miss how easy it was to talk to you, and how you devoted all of your attention to me when we were together. Overall, I miss all of the good, and it hurts to think it could’ve gotten so much better.

Why did you play on my insecurities?

The next day, after all was said and done, you played on just about every insecurity I possess. I have never felt as low as I did in that moment and that’s really saying something. I've been through a lot, but never have I experienced someone I trusted with my fears use them against me. Did you gain something from making me feel small? I hope so, because I gained a pretty strong wall around my feelings, and very few people are trusted with everything in my head.

I thought I loved you.

I know, I know, we didn’t even date that long. But when I fall for someone, I fall hard and fast. As a person, I have a huge capacity for loving others, but oftentimes its more of a curse than a blessing. This was one of those times, you took something so real and happy and tainted it. I trusted you, I was growing to love you. The real kicker is, only a few nights before I told you I was scared to fall for you, and you promised me you wouldn’t hurt me. The worst part though? I believed you, and opened up my heart to the possibilities you showed me. But all you showed me was cruelty.

You broke me inside.

Not all the way, no you are not that powerful. But I am afraid because of you. I don’t like going around any guys that have been drinking because of you. Guys and girls alike touching me if I’m not fully expecting freaks me out and I hate it. I have to convince myself I’m safe every time someone hugs me because of you. And before you or anyone else says I’m over reacting, you don’t know what goes on in my head or what I’m thinking, so you have no right to try to invalidate the things I feel. When I see you, it’s like I can’t breathe, and I get so angry at the audacity you have to be happy, when seeing you takes me back to that night every time.

You are not the end for me.

Someday, seeing you won’t hurt and thinking of you will only bring numbness. I know this because I will not let you be what breaks me. It sucks, and will for a while, but I know I am stronger than everything I’ve been through. After all, I’m still breathing aren’t I? Someday I will find a guy who is 10 times the man you are, and I won’t hesitate to trust him with my heart, because I’ll know that he won’t break it. I can only hope someday you start taking accountability for your actions and how they change the people around you.

Something I want you to notice after reading this, if you have. Not once did I explicitly say what you did, because I don’t want my voice to be the one that tells the world. I would so much rather you finally man up to what you did. Remember that the next time you tell people I’m a liar. This “liar” has still told very few people what really happened, so don’t make any more assumptions about my character.

I guess that’s it, that’s all I have to say to you. I hope you find the help you need to become a better person.

- Your Ex, who is so much better off without you.