As I am sitting here avoiding my long to-do list, my window is propped open and every now and again I have to swat away my sheer curtain as the wind blows it over my laptop screen. I have mellow music playing, a bag of Doritos planted to my right, a towel drying over my fan, and clean clothes neatly placed on my floor waiting to be put on a hanger. I am not sure what got me thinking, but I sit here wondering where and how I go here, I cannot help but laugh.
Life is such a funny thing. It really is. It's humorous in the slightest ways. I began to think about my past relationships: romantically, professionally, and friendly, and I realized one thing: We as people cling onto relationships. Being alone in any form is scary. It doesn't matter if it's physically, emotionally, or mentally, it's never a place we want to settle for.
I'll admit. I've settled. I would have to say it started after my senior year of high school. The transition from high school life to college was incredibly hard for me, and on top of that, I had just gone through a breakup that I absolutely was not prepared to go though. With all of my friends going separate ways, I clung to those in my life as much as I possibly could.
As I go through my senior year of college, I have begun to notice that I have gathered a few close friends rather than my abundance of acquaintances that I once had (like most high schoolers). What was is no longer what is. We no longer have this expectation of the amount of friends we should be looking for. We no longer have this image to live up to. This war to be the most popular has dissipated.
As I get older, I see that what is, is not what once was. I don't fight for friendships that don't better me. And while looking for a relationship, I stopped searching for just anything. I stopped fighting for people to appreciate me as a person. I simply stopped pouring into disconnected friendships.
Everyone wants to be fulfilled by someone. We are human. We automatically cling to others. The best thing that I have learned as a person is to stop investing in worthless situations. I found this to be so incredibly difficult. I still do. I care about everything and anything to the point where it is kind of ridiculous. Something so simple that I do wrong or say wrong, can eat me up for days. It's simply me.
With months of focusing on myself and ending relationships and friendships that weren't bettering me, I was able to take a step back. While stepping back I could see the people in my life that absolutely shine. I have my family. My parents recently divorced, but they are both in happy relationships with people I care for. I step back and see my big brother, who I recently had a deep conversation with, cried to, and who comforted me. He is absolutely one of the most important people in my life.
Then I have my best friend since I was four years old, Cheyenne. We are both busy, but we always pick up where we left off...talk about friends for life. Then I have my best friend Karmen, whom I met just at the beginning of my senior year of high school. She's seen me at my absolute worst, knows my worst mistakes, worst qualities, and she still stands behind me with every choice I make. When I step back, I see that I have one of the most supportive roommates. When I say I can't imagine what I would do without her, I really mean it. When I step back, I see my wonderful boyfriend. I never would have guessed that I would get so lucky. He amazes me every day with how caring and supportive he is with everything I do.
I realize more and more every day how much things happen for a reason. All of these friendships and relationships happened on their own. I didn't have to push them. I didn't have to fight for them. I didn't have to change who I am to get them to like me.
What was is no longer what is, and I don't think this is a bad thing. I am proud of the person I have become. I am proud to say that I don't settle for empty friendships any longer. I am happy to be growing into the person that I am today. I am happy to be surrounded by such incredible individuals every day.
What was is simply not what is, and I am OK with it.
