Everyone has different coping methods when feeling upset or is in a depressive episode. However, it's 2019 and a face mask and Netflix aren't enough anymore. Depression is tough and unique to each person, and I understand what it's like to have no desire whatsoever to complete even the simplest of tasks, such as getting out of bed or cleaning your room. I remember feeling that way for so long that once I noticed my mood improving and sense of adventure creeping back in, I wasn't sure what to do with it.
In the beginning, I was scared to do anything. Despite having the physical and mental capacity to do something, my desire to explore was suppressed by a fear that I would become depressed again. I almost didn't want to be happy because I was afraid of what would happen when I wasn't. I lived my life performing the tasks that were difficult when I was in an episode, such as fixing my hair or exercising. I spent time with family and friends, laughed and loved, but there was still that fear that one day it would all go away, and I would return to my gray state again.
There are some moments though that require a whole heart. For me, it was climbing a mountain during a family vacation in Korea. I remember reaching the top and thinking "Holy crap, I just did that". I thought about all of the events that led up to that moment, and I realized that there were so many things I did that, when I'm depressed, I would never have thought I could do. The irony is that prior to the trip, I was in a depressed state and feared that if I enjoyed the trip, I would be in that state again when it was all over. However, standing on top of that mountain, my whole heart had no fear or recollection of my previous episode, or even the difficulty of physically climbing up the mountain. I took in the view and breathed in the air, and on the way down, it struck me that no matter what had happened on the way up, I still made it to the top. I reached the bottom and felt accomplished, not sad that I was no longer at the peak.
I realized that I shouldn't fear being depressed again. Part of improving my mental health is accepting the emotions I have, and if I do feel depressed, I owe it to myself to know that it will pass. It's the same thing when you have a cold where you know, if you take care of yourself, you're going to get better. Living in fear of getting sick, both physically and mentally, isn't living. I shouldn't plan my life according to avoiding my depression. My life should revolve around creating whole heart moments. If I continue to do so, there won't be anything to fear again.
