As a self-help blogger, I'm constantly asked about what to do when it comes to the end of relationships, especially romantic ones. Often the questions that come to me I mentally separate into two piles: people who already know what to do but are too afraid to admit it and people that feel lost and aren't really sure which way to go from that ending point. These questions fit both of those categories.
Dear Angelissa: My boyfriend just broke up with me. It was out of the nowhere and he told me that he doesn´t love me anymore and that it's over forever. I really love him. He was my safe harbor. I can´t understand this and don't know how to overcome it. To be honest, I think this all happened because of the depression he's going through.
Angelissa, my girlfriend told me she can't be with me because she can't give me what I deserve. I'm too afraid to let go. I miss what was between us and am willing to overlook being not given full attention. I don't know what to do. I'm lost.
Hey, Angelissa. I've been with the same person for five years and have loved that person every second. Just recently he's told me he wants to end things because he wants to figure himself out. I don't understand why he can't just figure things out with me because that's what people do. Can you help me figure out where to go from here or at least his perspective?
Here's the thing: sometimes, we have to be let go to find our way. Sometimes, despite what we may think the very thing we believe to be our anchor is really just something holding us to a place we no longer should be. When you're comfortable, it's easy to pin your emotional well-being on something outside yourself, like a relationship. But that's problematic and leads to potential future problems.
The truth is: there are certain trips that are best traveled alone, like the road to self-discovery. Try not to think of what happened between you and your significant other as an act of desertion or rejection because what they did was brave in their own right as they were being actively self-aware. Likely, they're on a larger journey that requires full attention -- the kind of attention that can't be given whilst in a relationship. They've made a choice they deemed necessary, so the bigger question is: why would you want to be with someone who isn't able to give you what you need anyway? (Because, yes, in a relationship, you shouldn't settle for less than full love and respect.)
The best thing that you can do is take this time to do the emotional work you need — both on your own and with the help and support of loved ones — to figure out who you are and what you need to feel fulfilled and happy. Let the person you love discover what they need on their own.
Remember, some things are simply out of our control. People are one of those things. We can’t change others – ever; we simply must love them and respect their choices. Jamming them into a place they don’t want to be – like forcing a puzzle piece to the wrong puzzle – is exhausting for you as well as it is them. Let them go, and take this breakup as a last act of respect towards you. What this person seems to really need is some space to stretch and grow right now. It seems like you need some healing yourself.
As a first step, what I want you to do is get up from where you are and find a spot on the front steps of your house, or maybe that creaky old swing on your back porch. Find a song on your phone to listen to (like maybe Fragile N.4 by Dustin O’Halloran). Feel the wind on your face. Absorb the details of the scene you’re apart of, from the sunlight glimmering through the trees or the way the rain sounds when it hits the cement sidewalk. Understand that this is what it means to be alive – that sometimes things feel utterly raw and rigid, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that your life is a beautiful thing. One that’s saturated with love and potential.
Loss hurts. There’s no doubt about that. But don’t let the pain of this one twist and contort your belief into one that says that beautiful things can’t someday grow in the ripped-rooted lifeless patches. As you begin your journey towards healing, you’ll find that grass sprouts and flower buds will exist where you thought they no longer could. And you know why that is? Because life is constantly moving. And what you feel today, my darling friend, isn’t something you’ll feel forever. Trust in that. Know that this – right here, is where you’re supposed to be. You’ll be a better person for having been here.
