Coming out of the closet is terrifying. You have no idea how people will react, what they’ll think, or if they’ll even still want you in their life. We all hear the horror stories of people being shunned or mistreated because of their attractions or identities, and they make you want to stay in the closet forever. But the closet is a stifling place, and nobody wants or deserves to live out their days in hiding. So what you do is decide on a person to tell, contemplate on it for weeks (or even months) and then finally open your mouth and hope for the best. At least that’s how it went for me, and it wasn’t a fun time.
You may have a loved one who’s dealing with a situation similar to this, and it’s possible that they may choose to come out to you. In this event, this person will be terrified and extremely delicate, so your reaction will have a huge impact on them. It’s stressful for everyone involved, yes. But there are things you can do or avoid to help them along and give support in a healthy way.
1. First of all, don’t make a big deal out of it.
Even if you’re excited for them, don’t raise your voice or make a huge fuss. One thing you might do is just say “Okay, thank you for telling me,” or something similar. After they actually come out, they’ll mostly be focusing on you and your thoughts, and therefore relying on you to keep the conversation going. Keep your voice level, make eye contact, and ask questions like “How long have you known about this?” so that they feel more comfortable with you knowing.
2. Don’t dissuade them from whatever it is they’re coming out as.
One thing people tend to do is ask “Are you sure you’re not _____?” or say “You don’t seem/look/act like you’re _____.” Coming out and accepting yourself is a very confusing time, and they’ll already be questioning themselves enough. Instead, validate them and believe what they’re saying. They need you to be on their side. Now is not the time for any kind of questioning.
3. Confidentiality is key.
Outing someone is one of the worst things you can do to someone after they’ve confided in you. There may be certain people they don’t want knowing, and it’s vital that you respect that. If you aren’t sure if you should tell someone or not, ask. You can also ask if there’s anyone else that they’ve told, or if they plan to tell anyone else. Remember, the decision to let others know is ultimately up to them.
4. Make sure that they’re okay.
This person has just passed what they see as the point of no return. They are scared, confused, anxious, and they might even be regretting it. You’ll need to reassure them that you’re there for them, that you’re not leaving, that you still love them and that everything will be okay. Physical contact and hugs are a great way to reinforce this, but only as long as they’re okay with it. It’s never a bad idea to ask “Will you be okay?” because you want to make sure that they’re handling being “out” well.
5. Continue to be there for them.
Unfortunately, coming out to someone doesn’t end the whole process. They might still be adjusting and questioning themselves for a while. Stay by their side and reassure them that this is who they are and that it’s beautiful, because they might not be able to fully accept themselves yet. Continue to provide love and support, and prove yourself to be someone they can rely on no matter what.
6. And the last, possibly most important thing: Don’t let it change things.
You’re not trading off an old friend for a new one. This is the same person that you’ve been there for until now, and the only different thing about them is what they’ve just confided in you. They’re still themselves, no matter what happens. And let them know that, too.
Like I said, coming out is terrifying. Opening that door might be the hardest thing they’ll have to deal with. And there’s no guarantee as to what happens afterwards. So be a constant, stand with them, and empower them. It quite seriously could make all the difference in the world.
