When she talks about him to you, her eyes sort of wander around the room or she looks down. Part of you wonders why it feels like she’s hiding something. Or sometimes, you fear she isn't giving you the full story. Which leads to the scary question... Why wouldn’t she?
She might not have bruises. Maybe it’s swollen eyes because when he gets her upset, she cries herself to sleep, with tear ducts flooding her face. It might be the way she tells you she’s doing fine, but the blank expression that accompanies it suggests anything but.
Dating abuse isn’t strictly physically violent in nature. It can be demeaning. Isolating. Ignoring. Threatening. Blaming. Criticizing. Her self esteem might be in the toilet because he’s constantly ragging on her about her insecurities or creating insecurities for her. It could be that he’s jealous, so he has to know where she is at all times and checks her phone.
I imagine the pain of being in an abusive relationship as dull like a watercolor that bleeds through the paper and spreads over wide. Or as vivid brushstrokes, bursting in color and emotion with each brushstroke spread on the canvas.
What she is going through, it might not be entirely clear to the outside parties. I get sick to my stomach, with each interview of the parents or siblings or friends. When they still can't believe she's gone. That they had no idea what was going on.The ups and downs of a relationship are normal. Sure. But, there’s a point where you know there is a toll on your friend. Concern piles and piles as it becomes slowly more transparent that she isn’t dating Prince Charming.
Here’s what you need to know:
She has an entirely different perspective than you. It is completely possible that she thinks that the abuse happening to her is her fault:
I should have known he was tired, I started it.
He got cheated on in High School, so I guess he’s just overprotective.
He promised it wouldn’t happen again, so everything is fine. Promise.
I was being kind of a bitch, I got him mad in the first place.
You don’t know him like I do.
If your suspicions are right and you want to know how to help her, here’s the truth. She is going to need you. Maybe more than ever. She may not show it, but if you suspect anything, you could save her life.
Well, what can I do?
Don’t be afraid to break the ice and reach out to her. Tell her you’ve been thinking about her and that you’re concerned.
Listen to her. Actively listen and ask her questions, but let her talk to you openly. Preferably in person (and of course, privately!).
Acknowledge her feelings. What she is feeling is real. Maybe it’s confusing and over-whelming.
This is not the time to tell her about you. Unless she asks you to, don’t.
Let her know that what is going on, it is not normal. Everyone deserves a healthy, non-violent relationship that has trust, honesty, and mutual respect: 
Don’t talk about the abuser. You are here for her. Focus on her well-being and make her the subject.
Be respectful of her decisions. She might not feel comfortable talking about her relationship to anyone, and if it is abusive, it’s important that she can.
The focus is on her. It is not on the abusive partner. She may not leave him. That is totally her decision, as frustrating as that might be to you. That does not change the fact that she needs you.
Focus on telling her that you care about her and make sure no matter whether she chooses to stay or break up, she needs to feel comfortable talking to you going forward.
Keep in Mind
You may not feel like you’re doing anything, but by being supportive you’re making a world of difference to her. Be the shoulder she needs to lean on. When she’s feeling sad or empty, be happy enough for the two of you until her smile comes back.
PSA: If your friend is in a physically abusive relationship and chooses to stay, it is crucial that she makes a safety plan:
She can visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website at http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/ or call 1-800-799-7233.
If you live locally in Lee County, the Abuse Counseling & Treatment Center in Fort Myers offers these same services. Visit their website at www.actabuse.com or call their 24/7 hotline at 239-939-2553. They can help set up a safety plan, talk to a counselor or have a safe place.
