If I had a dollar for the number of times I hear people tell me “pregnancy is a beautiful blessing,” I could pay off the last 8 months of medical bills and have enough left to pay for my delivery in January. I can’t devote enough time to even begin to explain and rant the amount of hatred I have for people who tell me how great being pregnant is, how much of a blessing it is, or how beautiful it is. If you have ever been pregnant, you’re lying, and if you have never been pregnant, you’re lying to yourself.

I would never say pregnancy isn’t a blessing. Yes, the birth of your child is a blessing. And yes, your child being born is beautiful… after it’s cleaned off and looking less purple. But, let’s get real, the rest of it is gaining extra weight as your body fights back with pain everywhere, multiple appointments of sticking you with needles to fill too many tubes of blood, and let’s not forget, the birth itself.

Let me start from the beginning of my own pregnancy.

I spent the first five months throwing up every day all day. Morning sickness is false advertising to say the very least. I lost about 15 pounds within the first five months of my pregnancy. Saltine crackers were not a solution, the smell of absolutely anything- even my favorite meal would turn my stomach in seconds. Food cravings were not a thing for me. I was lucky if I could hold water down most days. So, they have you take pills to help with the nausea. Doctors really need to understand that nausea and throwing up are two different things. The pills I was prescribed really only provided me with an extra substance to throw right back up. So instead I spent the first five months, losing weight, losing double the amount of energy, and constantly being told I look sick from strangers. That was almost as annoying as my family always trying to feed me with whatever they felt like I needed. No one understood and it was honestly a brutal five months. The only plus side was- I still didn’t actually look pregnant.

I don’t know if I preferred to have shown right away or if I enjoyed still fitting into my own clothes for a few months longer than most. The pros were that I didn’t have people feeling like they could touch me. As soon as I started showing, my family learned really quickly my preferences on being touched- touch me and you die. To this day, my mom gets her hand slapped away 75 percent of the time she touches my belly. The 25 percent of the time she doesn’t is usually when I am focused on something else or just tired of fighting her hand away. The cons to not showing were that my co-workers and even some of my clients were getting suspicious. But, it was an awkward suspicion. I got a lot of double takes. I could tell they were all wrestling with the idea of “Is she pregnant?” or “Is she just gaining weight?” It’s an awkward concept because no one wants to say “congrats” to someone to find out they just gained ten pounds of fat, not baby.

I know a lot of you are wondering, “why didn’t you tell all your co-workers? Weren’t you excited!? How did you keep it a secret for five months?”

It took me a really long time to get excited. My pregnancy was unplanned and my first experience of this “beautiful blessing” was the view of the inside of my toilet for five months straight. Then I couldn’t understand how anyone could immediately be excited because all I ever did was worry. Would I have enough money for everything? Would I have enough room? How bad will it hurt? How will I afford to send my child to college? Will I buy his first car or make him earn it? My brain was non-stop. I thought of anything and everything you could think of whether it was something that would affect my child in a month or in twenty years; I needed to know all the answers.

When my throwing up phase started to end, I was so relieved. I was at the beginning of my second trimester and things were finally looking up. I began to gain some weight back and sure enough my relatively flat stomach began growing its bump. I was finally showing and getting “congratulations” everywhere I went. I once went to a restaurant with a friend of mine and we were about to be seated as she asked, “Oh, are you expecting!?” I looked at my friend confused and I responded back, “No, we’re not expecting anyone, it’s just us two.” She seriously stared at me for a few seconds and laughed like I was joking, then awkwardly questioned, “No, like you’re having a baby?” I felt so stupid but I literally forgot. But honestly, if you don’t know me and you see me in public, either be confident and say “congrats” or “when are you due”. Don’t make things awkward by asking if someone is pregnant! Especially to me, because I have no shame in making you feel humiliated. I used to help my friend out on the golf course that he ran. I would sit at one of the holes and run a game you could play to win a shirt. This guy with blazing spiked red hair, probably in his early twenties, started to hit on me. I was sitting down behind a table so I knew he couldn’t tell I was pregnant. He was being really creepy and so I stood up. He ran his eyes up and down me and immediately said, “Oh shit, you’re pregnant.” He wasn’t asking. He was just stating. So naturally, I said, “No.” His face got as red as his hair and he started to stutter his words and walked away. Easily the best use of my baby bump.

At six months I started to drive my fiancé crazy, more than usual. I started stealing all his clothes because nothing of mine was fitting. The worst part about having a fit fiancé is that they don’t wear much bigger clothes than you do! I started stealing all of his t-shirts. I complained every day about how nothing fits me and I was getting fat. I am really lucky because instead of feeding me the bull shit and telling me “no honey, you look great!” he just looked at my belly, and laughed. I praise honesty like that, I praise it so much, I dragged him maternity shopping with me!

Here’s where it gets real, ladies. If you spent hundreds and hundreds on maternity clothes, you are either rich or stupid. If you can afford an entirely new wardrobe for 3 months, by all means! But for the rest of us, here’s a tip, don’t waste your money on buying tons of pants and shirts to fit you at your biggest. LEGGINGS ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND. Maternity leggings are basic leggings with the maternity top that stretches past your belly button and are amazing! Pair that with a long sweater you probably already own and voila! I have spent maybe $100 on actual maternity clothes and like I said, I work a full-time job so I need to look presentable every day. It’s possible ladies. Go to your local Kohl’s in the women’s clearance section. You can get long shirts that are meant to tunics for extremely cheap that also fit as maternity wear. If you were anything like me and you didn’t gain weight anywhere but your belly, get one of those stretchy belly bands. They allow you to still wear your own jeans! You just don’t button them or zip them and put the stretchy piece over it to hold them up and cover that they are not buttoned. There are so many ways to save money for maternity clothes! Honestly, we already are exhausted, we always look paler than usual, and we don’t feel pretty often. Don’t get sucked into those ads that show really beautiful fake pregnant people with cute outfits. Comfort is key!

I am just now getting down to the last two months. I am currently 33 weeks and I can’t wait for this to be over! I keep telling everyone I seriously hope this little guy comes out a healthy few weeks early. I am so exhausted. I practically waddle and my family has no problem laughing at me for this. I feel huge. Even the maternity clothes I have, seem to be tighter and tighter every few days. Pants are just uncomfortable. Honestly, the first thing I do when I get home is take off my pants. I get hot flashes. I used to always be cold, and I actually enjoyed that. I loved bundling up. Now, at night, even with the window open in 30-degree weather, I am practically dying of heat stroke. Heartburn is also so real. You don’t even have to be eating or drinking anything, it can just happen. My fiancé and I just had just taken a birthing class at the hospital because let’s be frank, no one knows what it’s like to have a baby until you do. We both agreed that we actually learned a lot. However, we could have done without all the videos. I want to know what I am getting into for birth but at the same time, I was hoping to leave some of the details to my own imagination. Thanks to birthing class, I have a vivid mental description of what birth will look like, including the feces you are likely to leave on the table.

One last thing I feel I have to mention. I am neutral when it comes to children. I don’t mind most of them, and I like a lot of them, but they are not all cute. When a baby is first born, it looks purple and like an alien. It comes out covered in blood and so many bodily fluids and I honestly want nothing to do with that! I have had so many moms tell me that I will be missing out on the first bonding experience with my child. Here’s the thing, that baby has been out of the womb for seconds, it can wait a few minutes to be cleaned off before bonding with me.

I understand that there are many women who think I am completely crazy and disagree with me. I am not here for all of you. I am here writing about my real experiences for those who are going through the same thing and feeling guilty for thinking this way. I am here to validate that, you are not alone! Pregnancy is rough. It is hard work and exhausting all the time, especially if you have experienced similar symptoms as I have. It’s okay to not be immediately excited and be realistic instead. And no one has the right to tell you how you are supposed to feel. Pregnancy brings on new emotions and hormones to everyone. And if there’s one thing I have learned throughout my journey it’s that the only person who will ever truly understand is yourself. You can complain to your significant other all you want but they will never know. You can put on a smile for all those women who act like pregnancy was the greatest experience of their life. But at the end of the day, just know, you are not alone if you don’t feel that way. I can’t wait to hold my child in my arms and be a mother. I can’t wait to see my fiancé hold his son for the first time. I will probably cry within his first few minutes of my son’s birth. But for now, I am tired. I want my son to stop kicking my bladder all day long and I’d really like it if my random heartburn would subside. In less than two months, I know it will all be worth it, but in the meantime, I’ll be honest and say, a lot about pregnancy absolutely sucks and I don’t feel guilty for thinking that at all.