"I can't even." This short, unassuming collection of consonants and vowels has a laundry list of uses and contexts. It's mainly used in response to stress, but can be deployed in situations of varying emotional spectra. I'm here to dispel the confusion and bring to light some situations in which one can rightfully say that he or she "can't even."
But first, let's examine the root meaning of the phrase. The feeling it describes happens when you are so overcome with emotion that your ability to perform some inferred action is completely lost. In fact, it's so utterly lost that you "can't even" remember the verb that refers to the action you are suddenly unable to perform. As its definition suggests, it's a very debilitating condition that wreaks havoc on young people of today. Below, I will detail two scenarios in which real people have faced real situations, and could not even.
On a day that started like any other, a girl boarded the subway on her way to work in Lower Manhattan. She liked to read during her commute if she could get a seat, and there was an empty one within striking distance. She hurriedly sat, thumbed through a few pages, found her place and began reading. Perhaps the gripping narrative of Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll is what's to blame, because by the time she noticed the warm, odorous liquid soaking into her pant leg, it was far too late. A homeless gentleman had unabashedly wet himself in the seat next to her.
Remaining calm, she diligently avoided eye contact with any bystanders and got off at the next stop. After an emergency trip to Anne Taylor Loft, she arrived to work and was asked to first explain her fabulous new floral dress, followed promptly by her reason for being late. So she took a deep breath, collected her thoughts, and said nothing. She could not even.
A few weeks ago, an online social content platform sent one of its contributors to a music festival with a press pass and told him to return with a story. His Saturday started early with a 3-hour bus ride to the festival. After he arrived, checked in at the VIP tent, and slipped on his blue media wristband, he decided to test its power by presenting it to any member of the event staff that looked to be guarding an entrance to something. Eventually, he found himself up on some scaffolding behind The Black Keys at the climax of their headline performance with a churning crowd of thousands that sprawled out over the slopes of the small ski town as the backdrop.
Following an uncomfortable and smelly return trip on the bus, he dragged himself home and climbed the stairs to his apartment. He went straight for the shower to wash off the thick glaze of dirt and sweat that accumulated during the day when he noticed that his towel was missing from its usual hanging spot. Distraught, he palmed and slapped the wall where his towel should be. He turned to his roommate to see the towel wadded up in a wet pile on the floor nearby. The weary traveler could have air dried, used paper towels, or just fallen asleep and dealt with it later instead of reaching for the moldy rag on the floor. But he did none of these things. He could not even.
Can you think of any situations in which you simply could not even? Was your crush reading but not responding to any of your Snapchats? Was Starbucks out of soy milk? Tell us in the comments.
