As I sit here in my sleep deprived, delirious state after yet another all-nighter in the library studying for one of my many exams this week, I find myself reflecting on this whole experience. I've been working my butt off studying for my Organic Chemistry exam repeating my mantra, "I just have to get a 60." Yep, you read that right, I'm aiming for a 60 percent. I am studying for 10 hours at a time, five days in a row to learn 60 percent of the material, because that's the class average on a good day. And you know what? It's bullshit. I am better than 60 percent.
Since I've gotten to college, people have stressed to me that my days of getting nothing but A's are long gone. Why? Why do they have to be gone? I have questioned my intelligence every single day since Autumn 2014 because I am enrolled in classes that test my ability to learn what will be on the exam. They test my ability to memorize material that is shoved down my throat at an alarming rate. They do not test my ability to comprehend, apply and expand on the material. They do not test my ability to think on my feet as a doctor and how I would do everything I can to save my patient. They do not test my capability neither as a student nor as a woman. They do not test my worth.
These classes, the "weed out" classes, are the most disheartening, demoralizing experiences I have ever had. It is evident on everybody's face — we are here to fail. We are here for D's. We are here for sleepless nights and many, many tears when we just don't understand. We are here for professors who could not care less about our problems. We are here to be told, "Well, not everyone has what it takes to be a doctor." We are here to keep quiet and take the blows as they come. We are here to fail.
But, you know what? I'm not. I'm not here to fail — I'm here to learn. I'm here to take this material and make it a part of me. I'm here to improve as a person and a student. I am here to prepare myself for the world ahead. I am here for an education, and no one can take that away from me. I am here for A's, not 60 percents, and it is no one's job to tell me that I shouldn't be able to do that. If I am working and willing to learn 100 percent of the material, let me. Stop limiting how much I am allowed to learn.
These classes should be set to enable us and equip us with every possible asset. Instead, they have torn me down and made me question whether or not I even deserve to be here. You do not get to decide what I decide to do for the rest of my life. You do not get to determine whether or not I'm worthy to pursue a dream I've had since I was ten. You are here to teach me, and I am here to learn. That's it.
So, here's what my GPA doesn't tell you. My GPA doesn't tell you that I am the hardest worker you'll ever meet. My GPA doesn't tell you that I lose sleep over these classes. It doesn't tell you that I spend nights so stressed out because I don't know any of the material. It doesn't tell you that I am so much more than a number on a sheet of paper. It doesn't tell you that I have a passion for helping people. It doesn't tell you that I can be the most creative person you'll ever meet if you give me some freedom to express myself. It doesn't tell you that I can build just about anything from scratch. It doesn't tell you anything about my ability to learn and my thirst for knowledge of new ideas, cultures, and experiences. My GPA does not tell you who I am, and it never will be a reflection on what I can do. My GPA neither defines me as a person nor a student, and I will not allow it to even try.
