Perhaps there is nothing worse in life than to feel out of place. It is a hopeless feeling. A feeling that stops you from being your true self. And without being your true self, there is nothing that you can do to feel happy and satisfied.
Thankfully, my first semester at Williams did not cause me to feel entirely out of place. Although, I will admit that I came pretty close to hopelessness at some points. The semester went quite well. Hell, it was fantastic. But in a truly naïve, freshman fashion, I experienced things that I did not expect college to bring me.
And that is really how college has changed me so far: it has changed my expectations about myself, my academic and co-curricular experiences, and even the way I think of being an “adult”. In high school, I was trying so hard to get admitted into a college or university especially in the US. All I wanted was to get into a reputable institution but honestly, in retrospect, I really did not know what to expect from college.
The biggest mistake, probably, that I made at Williams during my first semester was that I was trying too hard to change myself. I am not afraid of change but I’ve realized that real, positive change cannot be forced. I was under the impression that in college, you are supposed to change and so, I tried very hard to reinvent myself. I became a stranger to myself. All the things that I had done in my previous life became a distant memory. I was losing confidence in myself (now that’s something I never thought I would say) and the stress of adjusting to the new (and very different) type of education in college was something I certainly did not expect and was not prepared for. I was barely keeping up with my work and the sense of control that I had over my life during high school was nowhere to be found.
Maybe it was my own fault though. I got involved in the Theater department’s production of Shakespeare’s "The Tempest" as a stage-manager (which was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had) and committed two to three hours every day for almost two months to it. I never skipped classes or homework but I was always busy and stressed. In addition, I was teaching Urdu once a week through the Student Language Exchange, was cooking Pakistani food every weekend with the South Asian Student Association, was baking once a month for “Get Baked”, was taking Sitar classes, and was also working in the campus mailroom as my work study. Initially, I thought that getting involved in so many things in my first semester was a coping mechanism more than anything. Perhaps, I wanted to be doing things that I was good at so I could feel good about myself. But I think getting involved was probably the best decision that I made during the first semester. It was not merely a distraction from the stress of college to do all these things and (I think that) I did not sacrifice quality for quantity. I was studying for the sake of studying and my grades in the first semester were much better than I expected and I could not be more grateful.
Right now, I feel like that being an “adult” really means dealing with stress. A lot of stress. Williams has taught me to know when I am feeling stressed and to ask for help when I need it. College is about being independent. I am learning how to make my own decisions. Designing my own schedule and keeping myself motivated every day to study without the support of having my family around me is just the tip of the iceberg. Williams has given me the opportunity to ask myself the hard questions once again: who do I really want to be? What are my priorities in life? Who are my friends? Is one more episode of "Jessica Jones" one too many? The answers to (most of) these questions are neither easy nor clear. And I am probably going to take the next four years and maybe the rest of my life answering them. But Williams has certainly given me the space and guidance that I need to start finding the answers.
I have also learned that being in touch with my spirituality is also essential to deal with the stress of college and of life, in general. I need to have time to self-reflect. I also need to surround myself with people that I can trust and be myself with. I need to treat everything as temporary and learn to not try and control every aspect of my life. I need to give myself time and above all, I must stop living my life for myself only. Satisfaction and happiness are intrinsically linked with being kind to other people and thinking of others before thinking of yourself.
So with these lessons, I am ready to take on the next semester at Williams. My journey here at Williams has just started but at the same time, it is moving too fast so I need to make the most of the opportunities around me. Though not being in a city is hard, perhaps there is something that even the trees and squirrels at Williams can teach me. I am truly grateful to study at a college as amazing as Williams among people who inspire me to do better every day and the only thing I can do is to enjoy the journey as much as possible and hopefully, I’ll discover myself along the way.
