My mind doesn't work like everyone else's. I have 10x the amount of thoughts going through my head at once. The best way I could describe it is a tree: with each thought branches off another one and another one and another and so on. I cry and I never know what for. I have to talk about it. I can't keep anything in. I have to talk and talk and talk until I can figure it out–what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling. Talking to someone in an argument is incredibly frustrating and not because I'm arguing with someone but because I'm trying my best to collect my thoughts and say what I need to say while also taking in and processing what the other person is saying. I just want to scream because then I get what they said and what I need to say mixed up and then I don't remember what I'm trying to say or what point I was trying to make. My mind is a constant hurricane and there are few things that calm the storm inside my head.
Being in love is one of the few relaxing things I have in my life, which it usually does the opposite for people. Anyone who tries to tell me I'm too young to know what "love" is, this is why I know exactly what it is and this is what it does for someone like me.
The people I love in my life are my family, my dog, and my boyfriend. Whenever I'm stressed and am in need of someone to listen to me while I sort through my thoughts, one of the people I go to is my mom. She doesn't always know what's happening but just the fact that she will almost always pick up the phone helps tremendously because I don't let just anyone listen to my rants on random shit. I know I'll sound crazy. Hell, sometimes my mom says I sound crazy, but having someone listen to me while I climb the endless branches in my head does so much for me. That's one of the ways I figure out what I have to say or what I'm feeling, just going on about nonsense until I can actually make sense.
Whenever I'm sad, I think of my dog. Honestly, people in my life don't understand what the love of my dog and what the love of all dogs does for me. It's one of the only things that makes me happy when I feel miserable. You can never go wrong with talking about dogs with me. It's like grabbing the end of the string in a massive ball of tightly knotted yarn and watching it unravel. Petting my dog or any dog is even better. The softness and warmth and the unconditional love of an animal brings such calm to me. In my head, I constantly think about all the things I do wrong or could do better and with a dog in my lap it washes away because I will always be good enough for them. They will always love me and give me love no matter what I do. Sometimes, that's all I need to get through the day.
When Hurricane Mary is at its worst, it feels like my insides are itchy. It literally feels like I need to scratch my organs (that sounds so gross). I'm uncomfortable, I'm on the edge of tears and not even my dog or talking to my mom can help me figure it out. Nothing can calm me down. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need, I don't know what I'm feeling and everything is on fire inside my head, burning away all the tools and resources I can use to get me to relax even for a little while. When I'm like this, I'm usually quiet. I don't speak, I just go on my phone and try to find something to make me feel better, but nothing works. It hits at the most inconvenient times–I'm out with the family, I'm in class, I'm on the train, I'm going out to dinner–and sometimes people ask me when I'm like this, "why are you mad?" and I don't know how to tell them, "I'm not mad, I'm just internally breaking down and I don't know why, please don't tell me I'm mad, I'm only trying to figure out what's going on in my head." I feel cornered, I feel like I'm at a dead end, and then there's one thing...only one thing that makes it all go away. And that's Tom.
I've finally reached the eye of the storm. It was in his arms all along. Tom is different from the rest. His touch and his kiss can last me for a long time. Sometimes he gets under my skin, but he will always be the one person that can make me melt–he's the only person that can send a wave of calm across my entire body. OCD has my mind and body working in overdrive going 99 miles per hour 24/7 and when Tom wraps his arms around me, I can take a break and it's like I never had OCD at all. My head is clear, my heart is happy, and I am finally at peace.
