1. Pre-gaming is the party.
You don’t plan to get so drunk that you can’t make it to the main event, it just happens.
2. You’re a cheap drunk.
While everyone is spending their life savings trying to get drunk, you’re feeling good off one Vodka Cranberry, and feeling even better that you still have money to blow on disco fries at the diner later on.
3. Wine coolers are your best friend.
Picking up a six-pack of Twisted Tea on Monday means you can be drunk every night up until Sunday.
4. Three drinks is too many.
You’re feeling tipsy after one drink, but you know you can definitely handle a second one. After the second drink you’re whispering “I’m drunk” to the person next to you and smiling so wide that they’re not sure if you have eyeballs. You’re so drunk that you take on the challenge of a third drink that you can’t finish without blacking out; the third drink is never a good idea.
5. Playing catch-up is easy.
Arrive to the party late? No problem. After about two drinks you’ll be just as drunk as your friends who have been drinking for three hours.
6. Nothing is casual.
Having Sunday dinner with a glass of wine leads to you teaching your mom how to “Whip and Nae Nae” while your sister video tapes it.
7. Drunk texts start early.
You’ve been drinking for an hour and you’re texting Chad, “I miss you, can’t wait to see you later ;),” but it’s only 9:30 p.m and he hasn't even taken a shower for the night yet. Since when do drunk booty-calls come before midnight?
8. There’s no in between.
You’re either extremely drunk or completely sober. (Normally the latter occurs if you are tonight's DD and didn’t have a drink.)
9. Day drinking is your enemy.
You’re amazed by your friends who can drink all day and all night. As a lightweight, you have to choose one or the other. You can attempt to keep up with everyone else, but realistically you’ll be out cold by 4 p.m.
10. Shots? No thank you.
You’re out and someone buys a round of shots, what do you do? Politely take yours, then turn around and find a stranger and ask them if they want a free shot. A non-lightweight never denies it.
11. Water, please.
You’re at the bar dancing with a cute boy you met three seconds ago, he then offers to buy you a drink. “Water on the rocks would be great, thanks!” So you sip your sad water, return to the dance floor, and tell people it’s straight tequila.
12. Weekends are for carbs.
You know better than to eat a light meal on the nights you’re going out. But you can afford to eat the extra calories to make up for the ones you’re not drinking, right?
13. Early hangovers.
You swear on Captain Morgan himself that you’re just tired at the end of the night, but deep down you know its your hangover hitting you when you haven’t even called your Uber for a ride home yet.
14. Same drink, different picture.
There’s no doubt you are going to be making a documentary on your Snapchat story all night. But hey, your viewers don’t need to know that the drink in your hand at 8:05 p.m. captioned “Let’s go!” is the same drink in the video of you wasted, belting out One Direction, at 11 p.m.
15. People will make fun of you.
Everyone is going to joke about how little it takes to get you hammered, making it sound like being a lightweight is bad. But really, they’re jealous that we get just as drunk on half the amount of alcohol and our livers will be twice as healthy in the long run!
