Your 20s are a time to explore. To pick yourself up from your hometown and leave everything behind to find who you truly are and what you want in this world. And that’s exactly what I did. But sometimes it takes the actions of others, whether good or bad, to finally become you.
I moved to a brand new city, Orlando, filled with new people and palm trees. I was working at Disney 40 hours a week, but as soon as I clocked out of my shifts, the remaining days and hours were filled with Disney Parks in the daytime, Downtown Orlando at night with friends, and some chores mixed in. With few worries and a semester off from school, the world was mine to explore. When moving to Orlando, I never planned on meeting a guy and starting a relationship, actually that was the very last thing on my mind. I was going to use this time to discover myself. Plus I was never the type of person that needed a guy or to be in relationship to feel whole -- I was content with being single. But I’m sure I’m not the first person to stray away from their original plan and fall for someone anyway. I guess you truly never plan to catch feelings for another person, you just do, and that was the case for me just two months after living in sunny Florida.
I went out with some roommates of mine like any other night, we all were free from work. I spent the usual hour plus getting ready and deciding what to wear as we all were excited to forget about work and just have a good time of dancing until the wee hours in the morning. I wasn’t expecting anything more from that night than to make unforgettable memories with my roommates, but that’s not how it played out.
From the moment I saw him I turned to my roommate like a giddy schoolgirl whispering to her I found him oh so attractive. I believe she rolled her eyes and laughed, because with even just knowing me for two months she knew the usual type I went after; dark eyes and hair, and of course he fit the bill. But it wasn’t just that, he smile was infectious the moment I saw him, and I was determined to have his number by the end of the night.
As you probably already suspected I got his number that night and he asked for mine. Flash-forward a few months later we had gone on many dates and spent more and more time together, and I was falling for him hard. Like how many girls might feel in the beginning of a relationship, he was all I thought about. I was in Disney World freely able to visit Magic Kingdom during the day and Epcot at night, but all I wanted to do was spend time with him. I waited for his texts in the morning and stayed up until 2:00 a.m. to talk to him on the phone as he got off his late night shifts. When I worked, I made any excuse to go in the back to my locker and check my phone, hoping for a text from him. Everyone there knew me as a happy person, but co-workers and friends alike noticed a change and that was all because of him.
We spent the rest of my months in Florida together, and I thought everything about him was perfect. In the beginning he was all I ever dreamed of in a guy. He was caring and protective, with a great smile and a strong love for sports. Those first few months I thought everything about him was what made him amazing, even things he saw as insecurities. But he slowly changed. That guy I first fell for wasn’t that guy anymore. He started blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life and made excuses for how he was treating me. He preyed on my personal weaknesses I opened up to him about and used my past to manipulate me. He was no longer that nice guy with the infectious smile I fell in love with. By this time I had already agreed to transfer to a school in Florida the upcoming semester and I was willing to do anything to hold on to what we still had, although every part of me knew it was becoming toxic.
And I eventually learned he was like this because he thought he had me. But he didn’t. Sure, it took me awhile to finally let go fully, but I did. By doing so I learned I was worth so much more than how he treated me in the end and that he never deserved me. He didn’t deserve my kind spirit and my caring personality. He taught me to not fall so hard, so fast in the future, and what I don’t want in a guy. I now am cautious to whom I fall for and to whom I open up to. I don’t trust as easily and I’m smarter now when deciding to share details of my past. He made me realize I have so much love to give, and I deserve a guy that has that same love to give back. I finally came to a point where I realized it wasn’t my fault this relationship wasn’t the happily ever after I first envisioned. Nothing I could do would change him, and this was the true him, not the facade he put up in the beginning.
Yes, our relationship did not work out and it was not the ending I was picturing when I first started falling for him, but it opened my eyes to so much. I now realize not everyone has as good a heart as you, and not everyone’s intentions are good and pure just because yours are. It was a great learning experience, and for that I will never regret it. Relationships are never a waste of time, even the shitty ones.
