When I was 15 years old my dad went to the hospital because of extreme abdominal pain. A few months later he was told that he had a tumor on his pancreas that had become inoperable. He had stage four pancreatic cancer. I can remember events that he missed because he was unable to walk because of the excruciating pain he was in all of the time. The small details of watching a parent fight cancer are different for everyone, but the big things are usually similar.
Cancer is painful for anyone in its path.
Watching the man who fought all of my battles for me fight his own battle that was worse than any I'd had to deal with was the hardest thing I've witnessed. He was in so much pain every single day of his life. My life had to continue because I was in high school and you can't just stop school for a year. He got to see me get my driver's license and then about a month after my 16th birthday he went to be with God.
Life will never be the same.
Life after cancer will never be the same. Life after cancer is a life without my dad. Life after cancer is being able to honestly say, "I know what you're going through." Life after cancer is knowing my dad won't see me graduate college or walk me down the isle. Life after cancer is suddenly crying because something triggered you. Life after cancer is having a bad day every once in awhile and then pulling yourself together and smiling through the hurt.
Cancer causes questions.
Cancer makes you question everything. It makes you wonder what you believe in or question if you had done enough for them. It makes you ask if they knew you loved them or if you told them that enough. Cancer causes "what if's" to pop into your mind. Cancer makes you go a little crazy with all of the questions you ask yourself afterward and during.
Cancer makes you lost.
Cancer will make you feel lost for awhile. I wasn't happy or sad for awhile after I lost my dad. I was just lost. I knew that this was going to be the outcome, but it doesn't make it any easier. I felt every single emotion and was completely numb at the exact same time. Cancer makes things hard to process.
It will be three years in February since I said goodbye to my dad. February 28, 2014 seems like yesterday some days. There will always be good days and there will definitely be bad days.
Watching a parent fight cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Watching a parent lost that fight is the hardest thing I have ever done.
