When a person sees the word "depression," their first reaction is to head in the opposite direction. After all, who wants to deal with a person that is depressed? Who wants to try to talk to someone who is struggling with things nobody understands, is battling some mental illness that nobody can seem to cure, and who wants to talk to someone that lives with a sickness that takes people's lives, destroys families, and saddens so many? Yeah. Well, now that you've thought about all of that, imagine going one step farther.

Imagine living with that crap every single day of your life. I do.

From inside the head of a person with depression is the title of this story. And it's real. This isn't one of those stories that barely touches the surface about an illness that can't be cured. You can't just take a magical white pill and make it all better. You can't just wake up, turn off a switch, and make it go away. It doesn't work that way. And to those of you who have said, "it's all in your head," I have a couple of things I'd like to say to you.

You don't know what it's like to live with this.

You don't know what it's like to wake up every day and wonder when it's going to hit you.

You haven't experienced this horrible struggle that causes you to lose friends, lose sleep, lose jobs, and hate your life.

If you haven't lived it? You don't know it. And if you don't know it? You can't speak about it.

That's what I have to say about that.

The sad part about depression is that it happens to people at different times in their lives. They don't wake up one day and decide to become depressed. It just happens. I can't even recall the exact moment in my life when I figured out I had it. I just know that one day, it hit me like a dump truck. I felt like I'd been run over, backed up again over, and then ran over again. It hurt like hell. I'd lost friends. I'd quit jobs. I'd lost jobs. I'd lost family. And the list goes on. And believe me when I say, from inside the head of a person with depression is not where you want to be. You do not want to deal with this crap.

Being depressed is horrible. It makes you feel like your life sucks. It makes you feel like you're a worthless person. It makes you feel like you can't accomplish anything. And you know what makes it even harder? When people that are supposed to care about you don't talk to you. When they don't want to hear about your struggle. When they don't want to know what's going on. When they look at you like you have some disease, they go the other way, and you blame yourself for doing something wrong and pushing people away.

It's not like you wanted to wake up one day and have this horrible disease. It's not like you decided one day to be different, and said to yourself, "I want to be depressed" and then went with it. It doesn't work that way. It's a horrible struggle. And I wouldn't wish this crap on anyone.

I deal with depression every day. I might have an amazing day at work, spend part of my evening with one of my few best friends in the world, have a great dinner, go see a movie, maybe hang out with one of them at their house and watch movies, and then I go home, and it hits me. I might be sitting watching TV, listening to music, reading a book, and it's like I've been smacked in the head with a golf club. It hurts like hell.

That's depression.

It comes out of nowhere. And you can't even do a damn thing to stop it. You sit there, questioning yourself, not wanting to get out of bed the next day, not wanting to go to church, and when "friends" you've known for years don't call you anymore, or people you've just met don't want to talk to you, you blame yourself, and tell yourself you must be some horrible person because nobody wants to be around you.

That's depression.

This isn't a disease you can ever turn off. It isn't a disease you can't ever get rid of. It's not something that makes the cover of a magazine. It's not something that gets huge publicity. And I'm not here to take away from anorexia, eating disorders, people that are victims of sexual assault or anything else. But for the love of God, this story about Larry Nassar has dominated the media for months. And when is the last time you read an article, saw a huge news publication or you saw something on a major TV network about someone that decided to commit suicide because they battle depression? Yeah. You don't see that. Because nobody wants to hear it.

That's depression.

You could be sitting right next to someone that battles depression. You could be on the elevator with someone that fights that crap every day. You could be walking down the street next to someone that has that. Hell, you could be attending a music concert somewhere and standing next to someone, singing a song just like they are, and not even have a clue that the person is depressed and barely getting by.

Depression sucks. It makes you want to cry when you see a video on TV. It makes you want to break down and lose it when you hear a certain song on the radio that reminds you of someone you've loved and lost. It makes you want to not get out of bed. It makes you eat foods you know you shouldn't eat. It makes you hate people that you should love. It makes you not go to church. It makes you criticize everything about other people. And it makes you become a person that nobody should be.

I wake up every morning and I say a prayer that I will get through another day without battling it. I know that's not the case. It'll hit me. It's not "if" but a matter of "when," and that feeling sucks. I have this sinking pit in my stomach every day, hoping and praying that I'm going to be okay. That I'm going to make it through another day. That I'm not going to be sad about something that should not affect me, get angry about someone that shouldn't impact me, or get upset because someone that should care about me acts like they don't give a damn about me.

Depression doesn't know discrimination. It doesn't stop because someone makes $50,000 a year. It doesn't go away because someone hits the lottery. It doesn't discriminate because someone is married with 2 kids or 20 kids. Depression hits everyone. It hit me at some point in my life. And it's ruined a lot of things. It's made me dislike a lot of things. Avoid a lot of things. And become a person on certain days that nobody should be.

If you were to live inside the head of a person that battles depression for one day, you would understand where I am coming from. You would understand the misery. You would understand the unhappiness. You would understand the wanting to live int he middle of a cornfield away from a lot of people. You would understand why I can type this at almost three in the morning when a normal human being would be sleeping and preparing to get up and go to church. You would understand why I won't go to church this morning. Why I feel most of the "friends" I've met there really don't care about me if I don't go week after week.

That is what depression does to you. It eats you up. It tears at your heart. It makes you not want to look yourself in the mirror. It makes you question everything about yourself. And it makes you a person that nobody should want to be. It makes you a person nobody would want to be. And unless you have depression floating around inside your head, you don't have a damn clue where I"m coming from.

So unless you live with depression? Don't say a word. Don't pretend you know what I"m talking about. I live with it. I sleep with it. I eat with it. I sit at the table with it. I go to work with it. I drive in my car with it. I listen to my radio with it. I sing songs while I'm struggling with it. I hate my life on some days while I have it. And if you don't go through that? Consider yourself lucky.

Depression is something nobody should want. And damn it, I'm sitting here right now telling you I wish I didn't have it. But I do. And it's all I can do on some days to get through the end of the day--go to bed, and not hate the thought of having to face another tomorrow with this.

That's depression. And from the inside of a head with a person that lives with depression, I'm here to tell you one thing about this horrible disease. It sucks.

And that's all I have to say about that.