I’ve realized over the years that most people hear the word “introvert” but they do not really understand what that word means, or how to interact with people who label themselves or are labeled as introverts. So as an introvert, I thought I would take some time to try to help all of those extroverts out there understand what it is like. Just as a disclaimer, this is almost purely from my own experience, and does not necessarily hold true for everyone who is introverted. I wanted to share the more extreme side of things to help people understand; it is harder some days and easier others.

First of all, I think people need to understand that being an introvert does not mean that I do not like people. I think people are fascinating. The problem is that I love people so much and find them so fascinating that I can watch them talk and act for hours without actually doing or saying anything myself. I hear and see everything that goes on around me. When someone says something offensive and someone else’s only indication that they were offended is the slightest change in facial expression, I will cower in embarrassment for the person who was speaking, even if no one else noticed what had just happened.

Even though I am most comfortable standing in the shadows, that doesn’t mean that I am incapable of holding a conversation, or even that being alone all the time is good for me. For the most part, I will choose not to interact with people or talk unless someone comes up to me or I am spoken to. For some reason my mind does not recognize that I can talk to someone without them talking to me first.

I need time to myself just to think. I need time between activities and interactions with people so that I can reflect on what happened, what it could possibly mean, and how I feel about the experience. I can sit by myself for hours. I have no need to constantly have music on or be talking to someone. I can, however, be alone for too long. If I am by myself for too long I will start to have too many (usually conflicting) thoughts in my head and I need to find someone to be with so I can come back down to reality.

Along the same lines, it takes me a long time to completely internalize and process information and events. My initial reactions to things are rarely accurate in representing how I really think or feel about something, because the truth of what I think will not come to me until I analyze every piece of what happened, which could take an hour or a week. I usually watch movies twice in a row because the first time is my initial reaction and the second is to think about it, understand it, and notice what I didn’t the first time.

For me, “quiet” is like a curse word. I do everything in my power when meeting and interacting with people to avoid having the image that sticks in their head of me be “the quiet girl”. Talking to people isn’t all that natural. I have to make a conscious effort. People will say to just relax and talk to people; it’s not big deal. The problem is my relaxed state is that of an observer, and if I relax then I will accidentally end up being silent the entire time that I am around people.

This conscious effort that I make to talk to people is extravagantly planned out. If nothing else does, I think this part, the process of how I usually interact with people, is what I would want extroverts and other people to understand. First, I figure out what the setting is, either classroom or social thing.

Based on where I am going and the initial assumption of who/what kinds of people will be there, I will have previously mentally gone through various situations or topics of conversation that could come up and planned out things that I could possibly say. I make sure that these comments are versatile enough that they can be worked into several conversations that could come up. Then I see how many people are present, and observe for a bit the average amount of times that each person speaks. This way I can make sure that I make the average amount of comments required of me so that I will not be seen as quiet. During this, I make note of the quietest person in the room other than myself, and make a point to talk more than they do. Not to brag, but as a person who observes more than talking I am a fairly good reader of people.

When making my comments, I take into account the setting and kinds of people that are present and make sure to say something that I know they would like to hear or find funny or find intelligent. I pick the majority of these comments out of the things that I had already thought about beforehand. When everything is over, if someone mentions for whatever reason that I am quiet, I have failed.