When going through the five stages of grief, there is always one that that tends to get people really riled up. The second stage, anger, can have people going into a tailspin and that is when the grieving process can really take a toll on your life. You sit there and you want to blame someone. You want to look at someone dead in the eye and yell and scream at them for taking away someone you loved and admired. But for many people, they can't. Losing someone to cancer is tough. There is no one to blame, no one to scream and yell at, there is just nothing.
What is even more painful is looking at their life after they have passed. Remembering all the pain they had to go through, all the battles they had to fight, and knowing that this ending was always possible and was probably what was meant to be all along. You sit there knowing that there was nothing you could do, nothing more the doctors could do, nothing more that your loved one could do. Then you are left feeling empty, alone, and scared. So very empty, alone, and scared. Could this be you one day? Could you be as strong as they were?
You watched what they had to go through for all those years. You try to keep it together because you have to stay strong for your family, and for yourself. That might sound ironic, staying strong for yourself. But it's true. You sit there and think, "Well if I can act like I am OK and act like I am strong than maybe in time I will be." But pretending takes a toll and you can't keep it up forever. Sooner or later the truth will surface, and all that emotion you have been trying so hard to bury will explode and over time, you won't even recognize yourself anymore.
I was lucky, I had 20 long and wonderful years with my grandfather before he left this world. And 18 of those 20 years he was trying his best to hid the fact he had cancer from us kids. We all knew, but the memories we would have with him is what he really wanted us to remember. Not him in the hospital, him looking and feeling tired and run down, or the constant worrying of his heath we would all endure. He wanted us to remember him, the happy memories from Christmases, first communions, confirmations, competitions, and graduations. He wanted us to remember him, our grandfather.
What many don't truly understand is that cancer is an equal opportunity offender. It doesn't discriminate based on gender, race, age, or privilege. No amount of money or faith can keep you or anyone from getting this disease, until a cure is found. Those who battle with cancer are warriors of the highest degree. This is because many times someone goes up against cancer, they lose. But what is incredible is how they live and continue to fight. That's what I admired most about my grandfather. He was battling a terrible disease for most of my life and I almost never noticed. He loved all of his grandchildren immensely and no matter how he felt, he wanted to make sure we felt loved, cared for, and that we knew how proud he was of us.
